Dating Advice (Almost) Daily

I Love You, and I Don't Want to Lose You

2010-06-14T14:31:00.004-04:00

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She Wants Him...Sort Of

2010-06-09T10:40:00.007-04:00

Dear Terry,

Firstly, thank you for the wonderful blog and for the time you're spending to make women take better choices in life. I read your blog religiously. (That doesn't mean on Christmas, Easter, etc; you know really religiously ! :-)

Just reading your blog, I got answers without asking anyone for many of my dating dilemmas, but this one's baffling the heck out of me.

I decided not to date anyone for a while until I reach a professional goal (the recession's hit me too). Over all, I'm giving myself a big break (for dating) after I ended a non-existent relationship (only in my head) with an unavailable man who told me all the great things, who even asked me to marry him but won't say he loves me. I told him I need some more time to take a decision, since I didn't feel confident marrying him. I wanted to know why he won't say he loves me. My patience paid off, turns out, he's involved with another woman too, and he only revealed this himself after a year when the girl broke up with him. I showed him the door.

I'm over him totally. But, I need to boost myself emotionally, so I wanted to prove myself I'll get the big break at work I want, and only then resume dating. Right now, my finances need to improve much more.

Suddenly I was sent to a different place for work, and I joined a yoga class recently where I meet this great guy who teaches yoga! He shares the same morals as me, he won't compromise values for money, sex or anything. He practices what he preaches in class. And he has a very flexible body. The way he does the yoga postures simply makes me feel wow-ed.

I feel great attraction for this guy. Initially it was just physical attraction, then it crept onto intellectual, and then emotional (he takes care of the kids and older people in the class very very well. Not that he neglects young guys). And then, we hold almost the same spiritual levels (except for finance; he's not half as good as I am 'coz he doesn't crave financial pleasures; he's more focused on the spiritual side). Did I mention he has a great sense of humour? He's very intelligent, and he learnt about 5 languages easily. If he wants to, I'm sure he can do well financially.

He's all that I can think of, in a man, except for one thing. He wants to dedicate his life to meditation and yoga and spiritual seeking, earning minimal money for his maintenance, instead of getting tied up with physical pleasures, and worldly life.

I don't have a relationship with him. I just happen to discuss stuff with him, and we bond very well. He has a very attractive personality which draws me to him like a moth. I'm afraid I'll get burnt. But since I can't date another man now (just don't want to till the career thing happens), how do I get over him ?

I can tell he likes me too. He looks a little more at me than others and smiles instantly when we're in class. And when I hold an after-class discussion with him, he seems excited talking to me.

Why am I attracting this great but unavailable guy?

I see him every day in the class, and my attraction grows only stronger. He's the best teacher ever in my life.

I don't know how I should discuss what I feel with him, or how to move on. Please help!

-How Do I Walk Away?

Dear Walk-

Thank you for the very kind words.

Here's the short answer: You move on by finding another yoga class.

Here's the long answer: Your goal is to improve your finances, and now you're wildly attracted to a man who has virtually no interest in money.

So it would appear that you and he are at odds, but you recently broke up with a creep who two-timed you. And now you meet a man who actually possesses and lives by a few moral standards.

Of course you're attracted.

It's a shame the new guy considers money unspiritual because there are a lot of lovely things you can do with money (it's like fire; you can use it for good or evil). You can build wells in Africa with it. You also can also use it to roll around town in a big hulking Hummer.

Two things you learned from your last relationship were a) you have good instincts about people, and b) you can't make anyone do anything he doesn't want to do. The last guy didn't want to say he loved you (although he did want to marry you while dating another person). And now this new guy doesn't see the value of money.

I have just one suggestion then. The next time you and the dreamy yogi get into a conversation about living spiritually, tell him you aim to make money because it will give you the power to help other people.

(Knock knock: "It's the American Diabetes Association. Can we count on you for a donation?" Spiritually "enlighted" money-rejector: "Oh, sorry. I can't help. I have only enough cash to buy my weekly supply of rice and peanut butter.")

You can plant this seed in his mind, but as you know, there are no guarantees it will take. If it doesn't, you will need to find another yoga class, preferably one taught by a compassionate teacher who is working on a line of DVDs she'll sell to buy her own children a house in a decent school district and perhaps also to fund nutritious meals for low-income children.

You deserve a man who shares your values, who's honest, funny, and kind, and never resists saying he loves you. You also deserve a guy who's willing to make a little cash. Hold out for that guy. In the meantime, keep your eye on your financial and professional goals.

I hope this helps. I wish you the best of everything.

She's Given Her All, But She's Still Alone

2010-06-08T10:49:00.006-04:00

Hi, Terry:

Almost all my friends have steady relationships, and some are married, but I don't even have anyone in mind.

Sometimes it frustrates me so much that I'd give a chance to any man who shows interest in me. This is all because I fear being alone, and age is progressing. Sometimes I convince myself that maybe I was never meant to be with someone for the rest of my life.

In all my relationships I have given all I could, but in the end they all tell me I'm a nice woman, but they are just not meant for me. Now I'm just alone wondering if I will ever meet the man that adores me and loves me back.

It's getting tiring always being the wedding planner for others, knowing that I don't even have anyone in mind for the future.

What is the way forward?

-Give Me a Map

Dear Map:

Right now, you're alone. The friends are happily coupled. You wonder what you're doing wrong, if love is in the stars for you, if you're somewhat defective, and so on.

Take heart.

A lot of people (yes, men, too) have been in your place. They want something -- someone!--- so much they'll do anything to get it. Some of these things include doing too much, being too available, spending too much money on the object of interest, putting up with bad behavior, making way too many meals, doing the other person's housework, running over at the drop of a hat to make a repair, and so on.

Yes, of course, you're supposed to give in a relationship, but you're supposed to take, too. You say you've given all you had in your previous relationships, and I suspect that's the reason man after man tells you, "You're a nice woman, but you're not for me."

It's important to give prudently, not to always be available. This doesn't mean playing games. Understand that it's human nature to value what one works for. People don't value things that come too easily, and they definitely don't value people who don't value themselves.

So, don't try to prove to some guy that you'd make an excellent wife. Don't try to make yourself indispensable. Don't start doing his laundry, for Pete's sake. This is how you get branded "too nice." It's also how you get creepier men to take advantage of you.

You're worried about getting older, but listen, a lot of people who get married at 21or 31 don't remain married. Some of them divorce. Some of them become widowed. Others remain happily married but face the challenges of job losses or sick children. Nobody's life is perfect, so stop buying the hype.

Sit down, take a deep breath, and ask yourself, "What do I have going for me? What do I love about my life?" Write it down. Look at what you've written.

Ask yourself, "Do I really need a relationship to make me happy?" And then, "What kind of relationship would make me happy?"

Would it involve giving everything you have, or would it involve giving the other person the pleasure of giving to you, too? What kinds of things would you like to take from another person (I'm thinking about attention, affection, the ability to laugh together, and that kind of thing. I'm not thinking about a 2010 Porsche.)

Your friends have boyfriends and husbands, but does any one of those boyfriends or husbands represent your perfect man? Would any of them make you happy? A lot of the times we envy our friends' relationships, but we wouldn't want to be stuck with their significant others.

So, think about it: What kind of man would make you happy? Is it possible that on that he exists on this planet of 682,590,0000 people?

I recommend that you go about your life happily and peacefully (happiness and peace are extremely attractive). I recommend that you spread happiness and peace wherever you go. I recommend that you remind yourself of all the wonderful things you have going for you.

I recommend that you keep in mind that every single human on this planet --even your coupled-up friends -- will ultimately die alone, but there's a distinct possibility that a man who possesses the qualities you desire is out there and hoping to spend life with a happy, peaceful woman like you.

It's highly possible he'll find you. But what if he doesn't? Could you be happy by yourself? What's stopping you from being happy by yourself?

Don't let anything stop you from being happy.

In the meantime, it's important to be kind, but it's also important to know what you want. This means that you give a good man a chance, but you do not fall into the lap of every male who shows you a little attention. You do not put up with bad behavior. You do not try to make yourself indispensible. You do not start doing the guy's laundry and cooking for him every night.

Let a man reach for you. The best ones always will.

I'm going to repeat myself, but I can't say it enough: Enjoy life. Make a decision to be happy. Laugh every single chance you get.

See what comes of it.

He Says She's Not Serious Relationship Material

2010-06-04T12:08:00.006-04:00

Hi Terry,

Great blog and some great advice. I'd love to hear your take on my present man dilemma.

Almost a year ago I met a man online. The attraction was instant and the chemistry great; we also had a lot of fun together and some great conversations. After a couple of weeks though he became uncomfortable with the difference in our ages. I am 13 years older than him (though I don't look it) and so we broke it off. He called a few times after, but I was not interested.

However, a month or so later I found myself thinking of him fondly and called him. Once again we instantly hit it off and began hanging out together, initially as friends. Gradually we moved further and further away from the friend zone. I asked him if he was now comfortable with the age difference and no, he didn't come right out and say "hey no problem," but he sure came close. And so we got intimate physically.

All was going swimmingly. He referred to me as the girl he was dating. He asked me to come on a business trip with him to New York (at the time I couldn't get away) and we began spending more time together. And then whammo! He pulled back. When I asked him what was up, he said he still wasn't comfortable with the age difference, so therefore wasn't sure this could be a SERIOUS relationship, that he needed some time to get used to the idea, that he was more comfortable with the age thing than he was previously, but not completely. I was completely taken by surprise and pretty rattled. But I tried to stay cool. However, to be honest, I failed completely. In truth I felt rejected.

A friend told me not to take it so personally that if things worked out between us this would eventually seem like no big deal.I tried. I really did. But it stung that he wasn't sure I was serious relationship material because of my age. I started second guessing all his actions and words. For me, the ease and good will that had always existed between us just crumpled under my own stress and scrutiny.

Eventually I broke up with him because I couldn't stand how insecure I was becoming.

I should add here that a few years back I went through a brutal and nasty divorce, and I have been very reticent about getting involved with anyone for some time. Part of me wonders if much of the failure of this relationship lies with my own demons. I have to wonder if I had been the "cool chick" would he have come to see us as a potential serious relationship. Or do you believe if a guy is unsure, that means, "not really all that into you," and he never will be?

Thanks.

Older But Obviously None The Wiser

Dear Quite Wise:

You write:

"Eventually I broke up with him because I couldn't stand how insecure I was becoming."

Seriously, do you have any idea how wise that is? If only more people would back away from a diminishing relationship instead of trying to hunt it down and tie it to a post, the world would be a happier place.

Another person in your situation would have lain awake at night devising plans to make this guy realize that YOU ARE THE ONE FOR HIM, AND HE CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT YOU!

Seriously, another person would have spent months and years on it. But you, no fool, realized that the situation was diminishing you. Despite the fact that you have feelings for the guy, you made the right choice and backed away.

I applaud you, and I respect you.

As for this man's reticence to get fully involved with a woman 13 years his senior, that's his thing. Ashton Kutcher and Katie Holmes notwithstanding, some people prefer to date people their own age. Let's give the guy credit for knowing what he wants (even if he seemed to change his mind for a bit).

I think you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned your reluctance to get involved with another man after a "nasty" and "brutal" divorce. Even the easiest and most amicable divorces are difficult, and having endured a rough one cannot make the prospect of being contractually bound to another human (and regularly trusting him with your body, emotions, and finances) a wholly attractive prospect.

I do think a lot of your attraction for this guy stemmed from his reluctance to get seriously involved with an older woman. After what you've been through, you're likely to be attracted to fun men who excite you but cannot commit for whatever reason. On the surface this results in pain, but it also protects you from ever having to go through a "nasty" and "brutal" divorce again.

I guess my best advice (and I'm only licensed to drive, remember) is to ask yourself if it's possible for you to enjoy a relationship with a man who's completely into you, and then if it's possible to be happily married to a man who's utterly and completely into being married to you.

On some level, you may not believe such a relationship or marriage is possible for you. So go out of your way to prove yourself wrong.

It may help to look around for examples of happily married people. It may help to watch how they treat each other. It will definitely help if you can put yourself in such a marriage on a mental plane. For example, feel yourself in such a relationship. Visualize it. (If you need help with this, check out my ebook.)

Mentally putting yourself in that relationship could be tough at first; such a relationship hasn't been your experience, but if you keep it up (daily; preferably twice, once in the morning and again before you fall off to sleep), it'll start to feel real. At that point, you will probably notice a shift in your feelings about relationships, a certain ease.

If anxiety persists, I recommend you look into Emotional Freedom Technique, which helped me relieve an anxiety problem that persisted after the death of my mother. Otherwise, you might seek an excellent therapist who can help you overcome your understandable fears about getting involved with another person ever again.

How to Forget Him

2010-06-02T16:54:00.004-04:00

A reader writes:

"... I don’t know HOW to forget him. I push thoughts of him out of my mind. But I dream about him at night, I wake up in a terrible mood. I tell myself that he was no good for me and that it wasn’t meant to be. I have been going out with other men, I have been expanding my social circle. I think its pathetic that I miss him BUT I DO. ICK."

Please stop being so hard on yourself. Getting over someone you cared for or loved is no lap across the pool. I've been there, so I know.

Have you given yourself time to truly grieve the loss? After a particularly bad (and surprising) breakup, I found myself taking to bed straight after work for about an hour to let it truly sink in: It's over. We're done. We've hit a wall, and there's no way around it.

It does help to let the pain sink in. Accept it. You know how it feels when you cut your finger? It stings horribly for a bit, and then it slowly starts to feel better. So, let this loss sting. (You may have to do this several times. I did.)

And, after you get out of bed, practice keeping him out of your mind, but be gentle with yourself. Whenever you find yourself struggling, gently remind yourself, "I can and will get over him." Say, "I refuse to let someone have this much power over me."

Whatever you do, don't talk about him. If others bring him up, change the subject. Keep telling yourself that you're moving on.

Other things that help: Getting rid of items that remind you of him. If there's a specific food or smell that you can't banish from your life but threatens to show up unbidden, you might surround yourself with that smell or eat that food until it loses its association.

Also, this may sound crazy, but you may want to rearrange the furniture in your house or apartment, so you can avoid thoughts like, "We were sitting right there when he...," and "We were having dinner in that corner, and he made laugh so hard I...."

Even if the guy never once appeared in your home, moving the furniture can make a space seem new and help you progress emotionally (I'm not a psychologist, but this kind of thing tends to work for me).

If you're ambitious, you might want to change the color of some rooms, and if you've been meaning to buy a new rug, this would be an excellent time to do it.

The goal is to put him in the past. Taking action will help you do it.

Again, be patient with yourself. Be kind. Falling in love is not for cowards. Give yourself credit for taking a chance. Know that in the end this experience will indeed make you stronger.

I hope this helps.

All the Single Ladies: Have You Heard This One Lately?

2010-06-01T14:05:00.004-04:00

Has this ever happened to you?

You're out having fun (at a family party, a barbecue, a reunion, whatever), and somebody (an aunt, a cousin, an individual you put up with in college but didn't really like) will slide up and inquire:

Are you seeing anybody?

or

Any prospects?

or

Do you think you'll ever get married?

And suddenly you're on the defensive, thinking of ways to convince this person that you're not defective, that you are actually a happy, successful, fully-functioning adult. (Shouldn't it be a crime in 2010 for people to demand from you why you're single and what you plan to do about it?)

The real problem here is that the question can often make the happiest, most successful, confident person feel somewhat...none of those things. But if it's asked of you, please know that many of your interrogators are unhappy in their own relationships. They may very well you resent you for the freedom being single gives you. So...

ALWAYS CONSIDER THE SOURCE.

In the case of people who truly care about you and "just want you to to be happy," smile and say, "Oh, I'm much too young to get married" when they start making inquiries.

SAY THIS EVEN IF YOU'RE SEVENTY.

I dislike the pressure people put on singles to "hook up" mainly because it can push those singles to date whatever comes along or -- worse -- put up with substandard behavior from a guy because they're "not getting younger" and they "need to stop being so picky."

(Definition of picky: Rejecting a loyal, loving, reliable, successful, fun man because he doesn't meet a height requirement. Or because he's bald. Or because you don't like his car. Face it, you gotta give a guy a chance.

Definitely not the definition of picky: Rejecting a guy who treats you poorly, demonstrates undesirable behavior, or is just wrong for you. Face it, you have to be attracted to a guy for a relationship to flourish.)

My advice to you is to love yourself. Take excellent care of yourself. Practice self-love, and you'll become irresistible to those who are capable of loving you and caring for you. You'll also drive people who want you to feel "less" because you don't have a man out of their tiny minds.

What to Do When He Says He Doesn't Want a Relationship

2010-05-26T20:35:00.008-04:00

Thanks to the women who've brought the following subject to my attention, and thanks to Jeff Mac and Adam for inspiring this article.

At least three men have told me exactly what you must do when a guy
tells you he doesn't want (or isn't ready) for a relationship:

Believe him.

Here's the thing: A certain type of guy will tell a woman he doesn't
want a relationship. Then, instead of doing the honorable thing and
making himself scarce, he'll continue to hang around and take
what he can get.

The woman, in the meantime, tells herself a) he must care for her
more than he's willing to admit because he's hanging around, and
b) he'll change his mind and commit to her.

The thing is, he wasn't kidding. He doesn't want a relationship,
and when he finally decides he does, it's usually with someone
else.

The men I talked to said they all had friends who've pulled this stunt
and didn't feel guilty about it. They felt they'd been honest when
they announced they didn't want a relationship. The fact that
the woman continued to go along with things was her choice.

If you're in this situation, please get out. Please. Please. Get
out before you get hurt.

Make yourself busy. Make yourself scarce. Go out with old friends.
Make new friends. Start writing the novel, knitting the sweater,
planting the garden you've been putting off.

Also, it's much easier to forget a guy when you have others to
choose from (it's really hard to move on when you think the guy
you were with was THE only one for you. Get out and meet new
men.

Seriously, hold out for a better man. He's out there, and you deserve him.

He's Single, Celibate, and Loving It

2010-05-24T14:39:00.006-04:00

Dear Terry,

I think I used the Law of Attraction to attract this man in my life, but I may not have been specific enough! Met a guy a year ago on a photo shoot, I was shooting his friend. He was friendly said he would contact me about pictures shortly.

Contacted me about 9 months later for pics. He said he was a personal trainer, and he could train me for free if I wanted because he enjoyed it.

So he emailed me like every morning what I needed to get done for the day, we met up several weeks later to discuss everything. I tell him I need to get in shape for sister's wedding, and he says I'll be ready. Then later that night he emails me and asks me if he could escort me to the wedding. I say yes. He has also told me that he is so happy that I am in his life, and I am a joy in his life, and he has met a lot of women, and I have a special gift.

He continues to invite me places with his friends, and to group activities, but has never asked me out on a one-on-one. He is very spiritual and into church and God. He has said that he doesn't want me to hook him up with anybody because he enjoys just being single and hanging with his friends. He is currently celibate and waiting for marriage, but he has had sex before.

I invited him to group activity with my friends and he said, if I want him there he will be there, so he is willing to be on my turf.

I have heard his best friend say that I'm a keeper, but the guy has never actually professed to want to be with me.

I am totally falling for this man, and I am unsure if he is just making me a really good friend, or if he has an interest in dating me and may be just moving really slow because he doesn't date frivolously. I am afraid to ask if this is going anywhere because if I don't know I can still dream, and also, if he is just going to be a friend then that's great because he's a wonderful person. Also, the wedding has been pushed back two seasons, and he still says he will take me, which means he expects to be around then. Mixed signals?

Please Help!

-What's the Deal With This Guy?

Dear What's the Deal:

You write:

"I am unsure if he is just making me a really good friend, or if he has an interest in dating me and may be just moving really slow because he doesn't date frivolously."

You're unsure, but it's not your job to sit around doing mental gymnastics to figure out what this guy wants to do. It's his job to open his mouth and be absolutely clear about it. "You have a special gift" and "You are a joy in my life" are lovely statements, but they pale in comparison to, "I'm crazy about you, and I can't imagine life without you" or even "How about you and I try that new restaurant on Saturday?"

Right now, he's having fun being single and hanging with his friends. He's in no rush to do anything else. He likes you, obviously, but he's going to live according to his timetable and nobody else's. That's his prerogative, but are you going to put your life on hold so he can escort you to a wedding? Think of all the other (possibly more suitable) men you might miss out on by fixating on this one individual.

You say you're falling for him, but I recommend you take very good care of yourself and slowly back away. Seriously, what are you supposed to do? Wait around to find out if he's ever going to date you properly?

I don't suggest you back away out of spite or a desire to "make him miss me." Your goal is to protect yourself and perhaps make yourself available to meet someone even better. Right now, you are so caught up in this guy's "greatness" that you couldn't recognize a better man if he bit you on the leg.

Back away. Be less available to accept this fellow's invitations (you don't have to cut him off completely, but say yes less often). If you have other friends, go out with them. If you don't, make new friends. By all means, widen your social circle and take advantage of all the fun opportunities that come your way.

In the meantime, look at this as a chance to clarify what you want: To fall in love with a man who loves you and is clear about it. If it's not this guy, it will surely be someone else.

Which means, when the time comes, you may not be around to take Mr. Single and Hanging With His Friends to your sister's wedding, after all.

Why Didn't Her Boyfriend Invite Her to His Party?

2010-05-21T14:21:00.004-04:00

Hi Terry,

I've been an avid reader of yours. I've never come across this situation and wanted to contact you before ruining anything!

What do you do when your boyfriend ignores you? I've never had this issue before!

Some background information: We've only been dating a month but have known each other for about 10 years (we went to high school together). Well, usually I get a text midday saying "hi beautiful" from him. Yesterday, no text. I figured I'd say hi to him since he was always pursuer he probably wanted to see that I could do the same for him. I had just finished getting my hair done and texted, "Wait til you see my hair!" And he wrote back "Oh really," and I wrote back "Really!" keeping it short and sweet.

Well, I got home an hour later and saw that on Facebook he had a status post that said "Bags, beer, and bbq, come one come all byob - call if you need directions," so I texted him, "Having a party and didn't invite me? thanks..." His best friend chatted me up at this time, and I mentioned to his friend how I was disappointed he didn't invite his own girlfriend to his party. Best friend was very casual about it and goes, "He didn't invite me personally either, you're his gf just assume you're invited and show up."

During this time I got a text back from my boyfriend who said, "Everyones invited thats why I put it on fb" I'm like "What if i didnt check fb," and he's like "I was gonna call when we finished setting shit up." I respond "Weak," to which he didn't respond.

This was last night around 6 or so. He still never said anything about asking me to come, so I figured it didn't mean that much to him that I wasn't there and didn't go. I made plans with coworkers instead. Well it's 7pm now and no word from him.... I know hes ok based on facebook status updates and such, but I'm kind of weirded out. Is he doing this to test me? Is he angry I didn't show last night? I was going to just brush it off and see what happened. I figured I'd eventually get a text asking me how my day's going. And if he asked why I didn't show I'd just say, "Well it didn't mean much to you for me to be there so I made other plans."

Would you say to let him have his tantrum (so to speak) and just wait for a text? And how long would you say to wait before taking action? I know it's best to let the man be pursuer, and I really don't want to become pursuer by sending out the first text. What would you do in my situation? I'm so confused!

Any help would be GREATLY appreciated!

-Waiting

Hello, Waiting-

It is a bit unusual that a guy who you consider a boyfriend wouldn't personally (I mean eye-to-eye) invite you to a party. Which brings me to vital question: In the month you've been a couple, how much face time have you two actually had? Too many of us confuse a series of texts with a relationship. Let's face it, it takes virtually no effort to text.

Consider this scenario: You are somewhat interested in three different guys. You need somebody to come over and caulk your windows. You send a text (unbenownst to the others) to all three guys that goes like this, "Hey, Handsome. In a pickle and could use your big, strong arms to get me out of it. ;-) "

Then you sit back and see who replies. If you get a taker, great. If you get more than one taker, you find a project for each of them -- on different days.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

It's possible this guy likes you and is just utterly and completely stupid about keeping a woman in his life, but I fear this is more a case of "He's not that into you." (Seriously, you are thinking way too much about this person. And you are thinking too much about his motivations. Do you really think God put you on the planet to read men's minds? Hint: No, he did not. He gave men their very own mouths to express thoughts and feelings.)

I would not waste my time talking to his friends to extract their genius insights. I would certainly not text this guy or try to engage him in conversations about why he didn't personally ask you to his party. You're way too good for that, are you not?

Also, this business of checking his status updates on Facebook is death. Stop checking, wondering, planning. Forget it!

Bottom line: If I were having a party and wanted to be damn sure a special someone showed up, I wouldn't rely on them catching a blanket invitation on Facebook. Would you?

Stop settling for so very little.

Get busy and stay busy. Go out and have some serious fun. If he texts you again, I wouldn't respond. If he can't figure out how to step up his game, he's strictly minor league.

And you're ready for a major leaguer, right? (A guy who loves you, makes your happiness a priority, and never lets you forget it?)

Well, come on then. Hold out for a major leaguer.

Once She Returned His Interest, He Lost It

2010-05-17T13:26:00.004-04:00

Hi, Terry:

This guy chased me for seven months, and then he lost interest after I started showing him that I was interested in him. We work together, and he is my boss. What should I do?

We only went to the gun range together and nothing happened. Should I give up on him or wait to see what happens next?

-Bullseye

Hello, Bullseye-

Your boss sounds like one of those guys who gets off on the chase, who wants what he can't have. Once you returned his interest, he got bored and moved on.

This is his problem and definitely not yours. Forget about him. At work, do your job and treat him only as you would a colleague. Hold out for a genuine adult male who wants a relationship instead of a hunting expedition.

You're a woman, not an elk.

Is It Time to Drop the Rock?

2010-05-14T15:17:00.006-04:00

Has this ever happened to you?

You fell for a guy. You thought he fell for you. You never felt so strongly about any man before. You were meant to be with him. The signs were all over the place.

And then he broke up with you.

Maybe it happened two months ago. Maybe it happened two years ago. It doesn't matter. You were -- you're still -- devastated.

To this day, you carry this man and your former relationship around with you. You ask yourself where you went wrong, how you could have done things better. You fantasize about running into him, showing him that you are the woman he just can't live without.

You're in pain. He's still the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning. You tell yourself you'll never get over him.

And, guess what? You're right.

Because as long as you keep telling yourself you can't get over him, you can't get over him. And, for as long as you carry him around with you, the pain of losing him will weigh on you.

Think about it: You're carrying around a burden. You might as well be walking around with a heavy rock in your breast pocket. There are days you can barely stand up straight.

Isn't it time to drop the rock?

Put the man out of your mind. Banish the memories. Stop mentally staring into his eyes.

Tell yourself that if this relationship were meant to be, it would be. Be open to the very real possibility that you'll run into the man who hurt you five years from now, and you won't be able to fathom what you ever saw in him.

(This happens all the time.)

So, please do drop the rock. Set yourself free.

Ask yourself, how am I ever going to meet the right man when I'm hung up on the wrong man, a person who hurt me, shows no interest, and has moved on with his life? Ask yourself, why am I putting myself through this?

When you're free -- and only when you're free -- can you open yourself to attracting a man who'll love you and never let you forget it.

Go for it.

Bear With Me, People (Please)

2010-05-12T16:18:00.004-04:00

I'm in the process of moving Dating Advice (Almost) Daily to Wordpress. I've yet to transfer my blog roll, upload a photo and so on.

If you'd like a peek at the work in progress, go to Dating Advice (Almost) Daily.

I hope to get back to answering your questions soon.

In the meantime, I found this informative video featuring Tara Parker-Pope, author of For Better: The Science of a Happy Marriage. It runs about five minutes, and it's worth it. Also, check out Parker-Pope's article for the New York Times here.

Bottom line: You get what you ask for.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

To Attract Men, Try This...

2010-05-07T13:35:00.006-04:00

The other day, I wrote to my newsletter subscribers about a woman who refused to believe she's too old for love. Sure enough, she found it.

Whatever your age, you can benefit from her winning philosophy:

"Put a smile on your face. Make someone else smile.Do what you love to do. Have fun."

This prompted a response from a reader who has a similar mindset. I've edited her wonderful letter for length, but here's the gist of it:

"You mentioned smiling, and I can't agree with you more. I have just
gotten out into the fishbowl so to speak after 33 years of marriage.
What I noticed in most of the bars/pubs/dance halls right away is
that many of the women had cat faces of jealousy or envy or
something on their expressions. It was as if they were on a mission,
and I had just entered their turf. Wow. I was not quite prepared for
that. They looked evil or almost vengeful, and I noticed that about
several women in several places.

Well, I just thought - I am going to enjoy myself for sure. I have been shocked by the wonderful compliments too as the men noticed. One said to me 'You put the icing on the cake in here tonight.'

A 25-year-old female told me, 'You are so hot,' not as a come-on but a statement of real honesty. Another gentleman called me a 'stellar woman' compared to the others in hereand thanked me for being there.

I was not at all flirtatious or dressed provocatively but just smiled, laughed and was very relaxed. They notice! Many women have come through some very hurtful situations, but if you let that keep you down, the situation is still controlling you.

Be a victor and rise above the ashes and love will find you. So get smiling and be happy, Women. It works!"

--A Reader

Thanks a million, Reader, for the illuminating letter.

It may sound too good to be true, but just by looking happy and being relaxed, this woman set herself apart from so many others who hope to meet the right man.

She hit the nail on the head when she mentioned the creepy looks she got from other females when she "invaded their turf."

The sad thing, for those women, is that it's not just the "invader" who notices the evil looks -- every man in three-mile radius notices, too.

And guess what? Jealousy and sour looks are not attractive. Insecurity is not attractive.

What's attractive?

Confidence. Feeling good about yourself. Knowing what you have to offer. A sense of humor. The ability to laugh and smile easily.

Happiness is attractive. Decide to be happy.

The prettiest girl in the world has nothing on the woman who feels good about herself and can make others feel good about themselves.

It's Friday! What are you going to do with your weekend?

Here's an idea:

Put a smile on your face. Make someone else smile. Do what you love to do. Have fun!

Dating Advice For the Smart Lady

2010-05-06T11:32:00.004-04:00

I had the pleasure of being interviewed by Cathy J. Ellis, who runs Dating Advice For the Smart Lady.

If you'd like, you can read the interview here.

In addition to dating tips, visitors to the site can download a free ebook with instructions on how to find true love.

She's Dating the Prince From Podunk

2010-04-29T11:53:00.004-04:00

Terry:

I have recently started dating a caring, creative and interesting man. While he's not my ideal (or usual) type, physically we connect in a lot of important ways and our sex is great.

The problem is that he has an extreme country accent complete with podunk phrases such as "country as a rutabaga," and "I'm so hungry I could eat the South end of a North bound mule." To top it all off his grammar is atrocious. Every sentence has a double negative ("I aint got no milk," "ain't hardly seen her"). I don't think I've ever heard him say the word 'have.'

We grew up in the same area, both small towns. We are in our mid-thirties, and for lack of a better description, he sounds like a country bumpkin. At first it was kind of charming, but it's getting to a point where it is irritating and distracting.

I have mentioned the grammar thing, and he said that's the way he is and he cain't change. He has it in his mind that it's charming because when he lived in the Northwest, and in another country, his accent was a novelty. Now he's back in a small Southern town and to me he sounds like he's visiting the city from the farm.

He has so much to offer. He's intelligent, kind-hearted, and talented. I don't understand why he wouldn't want to better himself and speak correctly. I don't know how much longer I can listen to him talk.

Am I being shallow?

-How Deep Is My Love?

Hello, Deep-

You are not shallow.

It's a shame that he's kind-hearted, intelligent, and talented but refuses to better himself. If you don't know how much longer you can listen to him talk now, how will you feel five years from now?

Only you can decide whether you want to to continue this relationship.

Right now, the sex is great. He's caring and creative. Can you imagine being married to him? Having children with him? Mingling with his family regularly and often? Introducing him to your coworkers?

It might help to write a list of pros and cons. Sometimes it's easier to see things clearly when they're in black and white.

Good luck.

He Likes Her, But He's Not Willing to Move Forward

2010-04-27T11:35:00.006-04:00

Hello!

I am 29-year-old female. I have been seeing a guy for about six months. He is 29, as well. He is a great guy, and although we have not said that we are boyfriend and girlfriend, we have talked about dating exclusively. We have the same circle of friends, and we attend our friends' parties together.

We see each other at least twice a week. I know he is going through a lot because he lost his job last year and barely got a new one about a month ago.

Here is my problem. I asked him how come he never texts me or calls me all the time and he says, just cause I don't text you or call you does not mean I am not thinking about you. I have so many things going on in my life right now, and I feel like I have nothing to offer you. I am interested in you, and I am not dating or talking to anybody else. I respect you, and if I didn't like you I would not want to hang out with you at all.

His best friend is married to my friend, and he tells me that he feels bad because he got that new job, but he is not making what he use to make before. I make way more than him, and he knows that.

I don't know what to do anymore. Should I wait for him or let him go?

Please help me.

-Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Dear Should-

The first thing you should do is take a step backward.

This guy sounds pretty great. He's spoken openly to you. He likes you, but he fears he has little to offer. He's reeling from a job loss, and the fact that he's making quite a bit less than he once did.

I admire his honesty.

At this point, I would give him a little time. I'd also give him space. I'd let him make the next move. I wouldn't ask him when he thinks he'll be ready to make that move. After a while, if it becomes apparent that he's not going to make it, I would let him go.

But, right now, enjoy his company. See how it goes.

He Broke Up With Her Because His Children Don't Like Her

2010-04-27T10:44:00.004-04:00

Terry-

What do you do with a guy who lets his daughter lie, and then he breaks up with you because he believes her lies -- screaming at me like a maniac --meanwhile, I have clothes shoes coats and more stuff at his house, and I don't want to go there to get them.

I have been with him for 7 years, and his children have been trying to break us up for all that time --his daughter is a jealous sick girl, but he idolizes her and stand at attention on her every word -- please answer this for me --what is my next move?

-Free at Last

Hi, Free-

Since he broke up with you, I'd ask him (calmly and rationally) to drop off your belongings. If you don't want to see him at all, you could suggest he send them to you via UPS.

If you don't trust him to return everything you left with him, your best bet is to call him and tell him you're coming around to gather your things. If possible, make an appointment to go when his children will be nowhere in sight.

Whatever you do, don't raise your voice or be pulled into an argument. It's not worth it.

From the situation you describe, it sounds like this guy did you a huge favor. I'm thinking good thoughts for you.

Wishing you all the very best,

Terry

Please Pray For Bret Michaels

2010-04-24T09:32:00.004-04:00

I've never been nice to Bret Michaels, the Poison frontman and Celebrity Apprentice contestant on this blog, but I'm sorry to hear he's in in critical condition. On Thursday, he suffered a life-threatening brain hemorrhage.

Please join me in praying for his full and speedy recovery.

What's He Trying to Say?

2010-04-20T11:24:00.009-04:00

Hi, Terry-

It had been a while since I had heard from or seen an ex-boyfriend. We saw each other at a party. He welcomed me and almost immediately said to me that he had broken up with his ex-girlfriend. He had known that I disliked the ex-girlfriend anyway.

He has also known (I think) for the past two years that I still love him (and always will) so, a few weeks went by, and we started texting one night over a simple question I had about mutual interest. It ended up being a 4-hour texting session in which out of the blue he writes, "I am lonely, I need someone new in my life."

First I thought, WHY WOULD HE BE TELLING ME THIS?

Then kept wondering if there was a hidden message, so I played it cool and said he would find someone, he has a lot going for him, it would just be a matter of time. Then he said, "I have no luck in finding the right person to spend the rest of my life with."

Excuse me? What was I? We had been together for almost two years. I hoped I was the one then! Again, why tell me this? I am unsure of how he feels about me, and I do believe he has a good idea that I still care for him. Can you help me? What is he saying to me and why? I need to keep my head on straight to figure out what he is really saying or implying or... is he just being friends with me? I, myself, would never say these things to anyone unless it was my best friend, never mind on ex-boyfriend or man for that matter.

Thank you.

-S.

Hi, S.-

The first thing the guy does when he runs into you is tell you he's single. Then you embark on a texting marathon (you don't say who started it), in which he tells you he's lonely. You assume he knows you still love him. You wonder why he texts that he has no luck in relationships, especially after you had one together.

You might conclude that the guy is still interested in you based on this. You might also conclude he isn't. But I wouldn't draw any conclusions at all.

Way too much is being hinted at, assumed, and left unsaid. I really dislike text conversations, for one thing. What stopped either of you from saying at some point, "Let's continue this conversation on the phone. Call me." Or, better yet, "Let's continue this discussion over a cup of coffee?"

You wonder why he chose to bemoan his failure to meet the right person to you, especially when you suspect (but don't know for sure) that he's aware that you still love him.

You know, you could have asked. You could have said (again, preferably eye-to-eye), "Why are you telling me this?"

Then you'd wait for his answer. And if he told you, "I miss you, and I want us to be together again," you'd know where you stand with him. And if he told you, "Hey, listen, you've always been such a good friend," you'd know where you stand.

Knowing where you stand equals freedom. And when you don't understand what a man is driving at, you have every right to ask him to make it clear: "Why do you say that? I'm not sure I know what you mean."

You say you'll always love him, but I suspect that if he closed the door on you, you'd experience the relief of finally knowing. You could move on.

And if he does still have feelings for you, gently encourage him to express them. Life is too short for beating around the bush.

She's Doing All the Right Things But Still Not Meeting Anybody

2010-04-12T12:51:00.006-04:00

Hi Terry,

You always seem to lift my spirits when facing the ups and downs of the dating world, so here it goes.

I've spent a lot of time visualizing, learning about deliberate intent, and have even gotten into creating a vision board to help my dreams and desires manifest. While it has been a fun and enlightening adventure, nothing seems to be advancing in the right direction. The guys I'm meeting are far from pursuant, let alone resemble any of my written list of what I really desire in a husband. I know the pursuit shouldn't be one-sided, and when a truly worthwhile guy comes along, it will be perfectly evident.

I just find myself losing hope that there really is someone for me. My question of "when" is starting to become "if." Of course, a mom who relentlessly pushes for grandchildren and a son-in-law isn't helping, I guess. Would love to hear your advice.....thanks Terry

K.-

P.S. Is it weird that along with all this I'm also having a recurring dream (or maybe nightmare!) that my ex-husband wants to get back together...I divorced him due to his being abusive. I'd say this could be a subconscious signal trying to get through to me, no?

Hi, K.-

Visualizing, writing lists, etc. are very effective methods, but only if you're doing them in a relaxed manner. I suspect you're working way too hard.

Two things jump out at me from your letter: Your mother wants you to get married and have children. You've already been married, and to a man who abused you.

So, you can push all you want (via visualization, etc.), but if you're ambivalent about getting married (and, seriously after your experience, what woman in her right mind wouldn't be?), you're probably not going to get married.

I'm no psychiatrist, but clearly you've been burned. It really, really, really doesn't help when your mother (or aunt or best friend) pushes you to get married because she wants something out of the deal, in this case a son-in-law and grandchildren.

With all due respect, it's a mistake to make one's happiness contingent on another person's actions, and that's what your mother is doing here. Make me happy: Get married. Give me grandchildren. You owe me.

But since we're responsible for our own happiness (and, no, this is not selfish; you make the world a better place when you're happy. You light up the air when you're happy. You attract better friends, jobs, men, etc.), let's concentrate on you:

What if I told you right now, "Listen, K., a husband and children just aren't in the cards for you," could you be happy?

Would you make the decision right here and now to live a joyful life despite the change in plans? And if you were to make that decision, how would you feed it? In other words, what things would you do to ensure your happiness every day of your life?

-Would you travel?
-Take up a hobby or language you've been putting off, which would surely lead to other opportunities?
-Would you take up a cause and become an active volunteer or advocate for it?

I encourage you to write another list. This one would include everything you hope to achieve,do, and enjoy during your time on earth.

And then start doing them, one by one. Let this be your life.

At the same time acknowledge the fact that you (rightly) harbor fears about men and relationships. It might help to look at those fears head on. Ask yourself if you have to attract men like your ex-husband. Is it possible that a man exists with much better qualities? Is it possible he could love you, and you, in turn, him? Look for examples of people in happy relationships (because the media are full of examples of people in unhappy relationships).

In a very gentle manner, feel yourself in such a relationship. What does it feel like to be loved, for example? Don't push here. Allow yourself to feel loved, despite evidence to the contrary. What does it feel like when a man you love slides up from behind you and puts his arms around your waist?

Carry that feeling around with you.

Please take the pressure off yourself about achieving someone else's goal. There are absolutely no guarantees in life for any of us. You could push yourself into another bad marriage, only to end up having a sick child and a husband who's not up to the challenge of caring for him or her. This stuff happens.

Here's the bottom line: Enjoy your life. I never met anyone worth dating until I made a decision to stop dating until I met someone worth dating. I went on trips by myself. I went to the movies by myself.

I had some really, really good times by myself. I learned that what Abraham Lincoln once said is exactly right:

"Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be."

Be happy. And carry the feeling of being loved around with you.

If you're a reader who wants to succeed at love and relationships, Ronnie Ann Ryan and I want to help you. Click here for more information.

Does He Have True Feelings For Her?

2010-04-08T11:02:00.007-04:00

Dear Terry,

I have benefited much from reading your insights and advice on your blog, and now I have a question to ask you.

Would a man who has true feelings for a woman put his feelings before hers? I mean, would he take steps to try to protect his feelings from being hurt regardless of the emotional consequences that it may have on the woman?

You see, I ask this because I am trying to make sense of the feelings this man had towards me. I need to be able to classify them so that I can be able to get over it, and I don't think I will be fully able to unless I do. It's a bit complicated, but we were never in a relationship because I knew from the get go that our ideological/religious/cultural differences would never make this work. However, we've developed strong feelings towards each other (or so I think).

Anyhow, I ask this particular question because I've noticed that even though I would make particular requests (or tell him that certain things may bother me), he would not do them because if he would his feelings would be put on the line. He wouldn't sacrifice being hurt just to see me happy even for a moment.

That being said, I truly believe that his feelings were genuine to a certain extent because I've felt that they were. I just don't know if that is the extent a man's feelings go, or am I getting the short end of the stick? I just want to be able to find closure and to know if his feelings towards me were genuine or not.

Your input is much appreciated.

-Aching soul

Dear Soul:

Thanks for the kind words. Now bear with me while I paint you a picture:

You and this man somehow manage to overcome your ideological/religious/cultural differences. You marry him.

At first, you're estatic. Your suspicions that his feelings are genuine are confirmed.

But days into the marriage, his selfish side re-emerges. At first, you tell yourself he's struggling under the weight of a lifelong commitment. He's vulnerable. He's scared. And he's acting out.

You're walking around hurt more often than happy, but you tell yourself it's okay. You need to help him with his feelings. It becomes your mission. Meanwhile, he becomes increasingly inconsiderate. Sometimes he's downright obnoxious.

After a while, you decide to have a baby. Maybe having a child will set him right, encourage him to be more loving and generous toward other humans. It could make him a better person.

So, you have the baby, but you quickly find out that caring for him or her is your responsibility. You're running around, taking care of your husband's needs and this baby's needs.

And who's taking care of your needs? Nobody.

You're sad all the time. Maybe you turn to food for comfort. Maybe you turn to alcohol. Substance abuse makes you feel better for a couple of hours, but then you hate yourself.

You catch sight of yourself in the mirror (because you don't actually have time to really look in the mirror). You look ten years older than you are. You look like one of those women who has just given up.

And you start to resent your husband. You go through the motions, but you're sad all the time. You're sorry you sold yourself short.

You long for the days when you had choices. You long for the days when you were captain of your own ship.

In other words, you long for this very day when you had the ability to walk away free and clear from a man who consistently puts his needs in front of yours, who wouldn't risk "being hurt to see [you] happy even for a moment."

Seize this day.

Raise your standards. Stop wondering what this man's feelings are toward you. I mean, who really cares? He doesn't make you happy. You don't have a relationship. He's not worth another second of your time.

Hold out for a man who will make your happiness a priority, a real man whose actions match his words and who never lets you wonder for a minute whether he loves you.

You deserve a good deal more than what you're putting up with now, and you'd be better off on your own.

You can get over this man. You will get over him. Tell yourself, "I refuse to let a person of such low quality ever have power over me ever again."

He Broke Up With Her, and She's Broken-Hearted

2010-04-02T10:48:00.005-04:00

Dear Terry,

My boyfriend just broke up with me because he said that we were getting too serious. He's in the Air Force, and he's deploying in June for six months. I love him, and I want him back.

I don't know what to do. He was so sad when we talked and said that he didn't want to "hold me back" while he was gone. I told him that he wouldn't, that he was what I wanted, but it didn't sway him. It was a very calm conversation, neither of us were yelling and we both really listened to the other, but it still ended with it being over. I feel like he will realize what he's lost in me...or maybe that is just naive hope.

My heart is so broken that I can't even cry about it - I just feel so numb. I know that I should focus on taking care of myself and going after my goals in life. My friends say that he'll either miss me and get in touch or he won't. That makes sense to my head, but my heart... my heart is just shattered.

If there is anything that you think I should do or any advice that you have for me please let me know. This man is kind, smart, funny, honest, respectful and loving. Not that he doesn't have any faults, but although he isn't perfect I feel like he's perfect for me.

Please help.

G in VA

Dear G-

My heart goes out to you. There's nothing worse than being broken up with by someone you love, especially when things were going well, and you thought you had a future together.

Of course you're shattered.You have every right to be. At this point, since you haven't even been able to fully process the breakup, it's really too soon to think about pursuing goals or even going out and trying to have a good time with your friends.

This guy seems to have made up his mind, for better or worse, and I suggest you let him live with his decision. Don't try to change his mind. It puts you in the position of a beggar, and you're better than that.

Instead, spend time trying to accept this breakup. Let it hurt. Accept the hurt. If you can do that, you will make your way to a happier place. I know you don't believe me right now, but you will.

And do take extremely good care of yourself. This means not devising scenes in your head of how you went wrong, and how you could have done things differently to show him that he's crazy to leave you. Leave it alone.

Eat food that nourishes you and makes you happy (in moderation). If there's a trip or an event you've been putting off, and you think you might feel up to it, please do. Speak to yourself as you would a beloved child. Treat yourself tenderly. Avoid people who want to rehash the breakup, who demand "What happened?"

It will also help to keep conversations about the guy to an absolute minimum. You may have trouble getting him out of your head for a while, but the less you speak or hear his name, the easier it will become.

Sure, it's possible he'll change his mind and realize that he made a mistake by letting you go. But it's possible he won't. You can't waste your life wondering. Consider the possibility that the relationship you had with him was just a dress rehearsal for something much, much better.

I wish you every good thing in the world.

When the Baby Daddy Has a Secret Life

2010-03-22T11:30:00.003-04:00

Dear Terry,

What if you start realising a guy is a player after you've had a child with him? By being a player here I mean web-flirting addict (he swears it is just that, although he is subscribed to a number of online sites for sex encounters, and is contacting hundreds of girls, mainly from our area). Although I have no evidence for now that he is doing the same thing in real life when I m not there (i.e. at work etc.).

All my friends and family think he is a great partner, crazy about me, and a most devoted father of our newborn child. I thought so too until recently, however, it's been months since I have started finding evidence to his secret life.

After I've faced him with these facts a few months ago, he cried when he thought I'd leave him, and he said he felt ashamed, that nothing ever happened in the real life (he said he just liked to see if the girls were up to his proposals, and, that it was like a disease for him and that he wants to stop, but now I am on trace to some more similar stuff (although it seems it is less in quantity than before) and don't know what to do.

Also, I have suspicions about someone he'd met in real life and whom he wanted to go out with (I don't know if they actually did go out, but I have seen messages between him and this girl -- that he d never mentioned to me -- that he would like to see her. Apparently, she gave him her phone number one night in the restaurant where he works. I still didn't talk about this one with him, I am kind of ashamed to let him know I've read his messages again (I am not normally like this but I have had no choice since I have had some strong suspicions, and he wouldn't admit anything). Until now he sweared he did nothing similar in the real life like he did online, but I am pretty sure he had sex with this girl in the end, unless she was the one to say no. What else does one think with evidence like this?

What do you do in a situation like this, with a newborn in the middle? We have a one month old kid, so it is not so simple to run for the hills immediately, as I most probably would have, had I been alone with him.

I love your emails and I would be forever greatful if you'd find the time to answer to my question while it is still timely for my situation.

Many, many thanks to you....

-My Child's Father is Not What he Seems

Dear Seems:

Give yourself credit for following your instincts and calling this guy on his destructive behavior. He says he has a "disease" and wants to stop it, but has he sought treatment?

Since you have a newborn, you're right, you can't just hightail it out of there, but you can certainly start working on a plan to get out if he fails to get the help he so badly needs.

To do that, you'll need emotional support. That means -- if he doesn't get treatment -- you may have to burst the bubble of people who love you and believed that he was a great boyfriend and father. Tell the people you trust and who will help you and not gossip about you and the truth about your situation.

You would probably do well to get counseling yourself. A professional can help you get over the trust issues that result from finding yourself in a relationship with a less than faithful person. She (or he) can also help you and your little one get started on a more secure and joyful life.

You deserve it.

He's Divorced, Or So He Says

2010-03-17T12:11:00.007-04:00

Dear Terry,

I love your letters! They help navigate us through a maze of confusion! I have been dating a man for almost a year. He has told me he loves me and wants to marry me. He is the man of my dreams.

Recently, I was devastated because I found out his divorce is not final. His wife has been living with another man for many (30+) years. They started the divorce proceedings several years ago but have not finalized the financial aspect of it.

Whenever I would ask him when he got divorced, he'd always be fuzzy about his answer. I asked him to see the divorce decree and he said all right. I finally pinned him down, and he had to admit that LEGALLY the divorce is not final. He says that, for all practical purposes, he considers himself divorced. I feel like he has been dishonest with me, but he says he does not feel that way because he'd always tell me the financial part was not final. Why couldn't he just tell me, "No. I am not legally divorced." Am I being too picky?

-Bewildered

Dear Bewildered:

For "all practical purposes" he considers himself divorced. He says he wants to marry you, but surely he is aware that he cannot marry you until the legal system views him that way.

Do I think you're being too picky?

I most certainly do not. I know you have deep feelings for this man, but I implore you to think seriously about furthering a relationship with a person who can't tell the truth about something as simple as his marital status.

Ask yourself, what had he to gain by lying to you about this little detail? Ask yourself, what else is he capable of lying about?

Please think about this. A healthy relationship depends on trust. You deserve the truth.

Should You Move In With Him?

2010-03-10T10:35:00.004-05:00

Hi, Terry,

I was just wondering what your advice would be about under what circumstances it is okay to move in with someone?

-Thinking About It

Dear Thinking:

I have mixed feelings about living together, really.

Part of me gets the 'try before you buy' theory; live with a guy so you know exactly what you're getting before you bind yourself for life to him. The other part of me says you're better off keeping your own place and just doing your very best to get to know him before you tie the knot (if that's even your goal; we'll go into that in a minute). Let time do its job. Keep your eyes and ears open. Be truthful with yourself.

Know that the qualities a man displays before you marry him will only become increasingly apparent after you marry him. All of us -- men and women -- are on our best behavior when we're dating, so figure if a man's selfish now, he's only going to get worse later. Conversely, if he's kind and generous and funny now, he's probably going to be all those things later.

You don't have to live together to know that a guy who snaps at a waitress is probably one of these days going to snap at you. Or that a guy who flips out when he can't remember where he parked his car might harbor a few anger issues.

The danger of living together (in my view; others may disagree) before you're married is that it can take some of the fun out of actually getting married. In other words, you've already got a microwave and sex has become seriously routine. I've read about people who try to mitigate the problem of too much familiarity by establishing a no-sex rule weeks or months prior to the wedding, but that seems to me jarring and weird. And then there are those instances where the man or the woman no longer even sees the point of getting married: Things are fine the way they are, they figure, so why rock the boat?

Again, to some women (and men) it's important to see exactly what they're signing on for, so they opt to live together. But there are women who move in with the goal of convincing a man that she's going to be his perfect wife. She immediately takes on what she perceives as wifely duties (i.e., cooking, cleaning, ironing, changing the sheets, taking care of his dry cleaning, and so on). It drives me nuts.

It's a lot of unnecessary work.

So, if you're thinking about moving in with someone, know what your goal is. Do you want to get to know a man well enough to make sure he's the right one? If so, could you be better off doing that while maintaining your own turf?

If you're in it mainly for sex and reducing your expenses, make sure he's in it for the same thing, so that he doesn't get hurt. Be open to the possibility he's in it for sex and reducing expenses. If he is, and you're hoping for something more, be fair to yourself and stay in your own apartment.

If you see living together as a step toward marriage, know that it indeed could be a step toward it. Then again, it very well may not. If you want to get married, be open to the possibility that you still may still be living together without a formal commitment five years from now.

I have a good friend who lived with a woman for 15 years, and then learned she'd been seeing other guys all along. He moved on and, after dating a woman who shares his values for just nine months, exchanged rings with her. They've been married for seven years.

I hope I've been clear, and I certainly hope this helps.

Thanks for writing.

Terry

He Asked Her to Pay on the First Date

2010-03-03T13:44:00.008-05:00

Hi Terry,

I went on a first date yesterday with a guy I met online. We met for brunch, and it was nice. A little awkward at first but after an hour or so we both relaxed. We decided to then head to another cafe for coffee where we sat on this comfy sofa and drank coffee and listened to French music. We stayed there chatting and relaxing with each other, and the next thing I knew, it was dark outside.

So we decided to go to a local wine shop. I bought a bottle of wine, and we took it back to his apartment. Dont worry, I didn't sleep with him. We simply drank the wine while listening to to his music collection and looking at photos from all his extensive travels over the world.

At this point, we'd been hanging out for about 8 hours! A new record for both of us. We clicked and felt really comfortable with each other. We talked about everything, family, NYC, friends, food, music, you name it. During the time at his apartment we shared our first kiss. It was nice, and I was enjoying myself. So we decided to go get dinner. We went to a little Mexican spot near his place, and we had a couple of margaritas and awesome food.

Now here is the problem. When the bill came, he asked me if we could split it. I've never paid for a first date and always believed the guy should pay for it. That's how its always been. I acted cool and just said, "Sure!" In the end, he did pay for the entire bill because the restaurant was cash only, and I only had a credit card. Now I'm confused about this guy and how I should proceed with him, if at all. Should I tell him that it bothered me that he asked me to pay? Should I let it go?

I liked him but I'm not sure how to feel about a guy who doesn't want to pay for the first date. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I spent a total of 12 hours with this guy on a first date, and everything was great except this one little part.

Thanks so much, Terry!

-Reluctant

Dear Reluctant-

I'm not sure why the guy asked you to pay for dinner, but you're right to be turned off. As you know, I'm all for equality of the sexes, but men tell me (the normal ones, anyway) that they expect to pay for a first date. They also say that when a woman offers to pay, it leads them to believe she's not interested.

I would have serious reservations about continuing to see a man who didn't offer to pay the first or even the second time around. As I got to know him better (and felt we were on surer ground), I'd be glad to offer to pay for dinner or drinks on occasion. In fact, I'd feel very good about it.

But back to you:

It sounds as if you packed three dates into one. It's great that you felt you hit it off, but the best course of action would have been to say "Thank you and nice meeting you" after brunch. (I hope he paid for brunch.)

Instead, you bought wine and went to his apartment, which was a bad idea. For one thing, you met the guy online. You broke a big safety rule here; you cannot go home with strangers. From now on, meet men you encounter online in public places. Stay in public places until you know them well enough to do otherwise. You don't get into their cars, let alone go to their apartments.

(You write, "Don't worry. I didn't sleep with him." No, but you did jeopardize your safety. Please give this serious thought.)

You don't mention if he made a move when you got back to his place (other than the kiss, that is), so I don't know what his intentions were. If he made the move, and you resisted, he may have decided not to invest any more money in the encounter.

This would show him to be cheap and pathetic.

If he makes contact, I wouldn't mention his request that you kick in for dinner, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't go out with him again, either. If you do decide to give him another chance, be prepared. He's probably going to ask you to pull out your wallet.

The next time you meet a man with potential, please remember a rule of human nature: People want what they can't have. So keep your dates short (in other words, keep a man wanting more). Keep your dates public. Don't call the guy afterwards. Let him call you.

I'm not an advocate of waiting by the phone or holding up your life in the hopes that some prince will rescue you from your perfectly fine life, so stay busy and happy. Let him decide whether he's going to step up and prove himself worthy of your attention.

In the meantime, don't be hard on yourself. We all make mistakes.

A Guy With a Girlfriend is Not Good Boyfriend Material

2010-03-01T11:20:00.004-05:00

Hi Terry,

Thanks for all your emails. Recently I started dating this guy that I really love, but he told me he had a girlfriend at the beginning of the relationship. He tells me he loves so much, and from time to time he puts me through tests, and I end up always failing his test.

I have tried to explain to him that am human and he can't put me through an emotional test and expect me to pass. He tells me on different occasions that I should be patient with him when I ask for commitment. I really love this guy, but recently I told him to give me a break, and he replied, "Baby, you are toooooo impatient. Well, if you want to call it off. It's okay. I appreciate you." This happened last Sunday and since then, he has called me, b ut we didn't really talk towards the relationship. I don't want to lose this guy. I really love him.

What do I do?

-Tested

Dear Tested-

You can't lose this guy because you never really had him. Whenever a man tells you he has a girlfriend, the correct response is, "Why are you talking to me?" Then walk away and stay away. You are not the first woman to make the mistake of falling for an unavailable man, and you won't be the last.

This guy sounds like a complete player. Please do call it off with him. Stop seeing him immediately. Stop taking his calls. Fill your calendar with fun activities and people who love you and make you laugh.

Yeah, I know you're attracted to this guy, and you don't think you can do it, but you can. Anyway, what kind of a future can you expect with a man who runs around on his girlfriend? If he likes you as much as he claims, what's the hold up? Why hasn't he been honest and ended it with her?

He's not honest. That's the problem.

And about these 'tests' he puts you through: What's up with that? It's not healthy behavior.

Please open yourself to the very real possibility that there's someone out there who's eager to treat you like gold. How does that make you feel? Happy? Or does it scare the heck out of you? Are you willing to make yourself available to a man who truly appreciates you and never lets you forget it?

If not, why not?

Please give this serious thought.

He Says He Loves Her, But He Won't Marry Her

2010-02-26T10:01:00.007-05:00

Hi, Terry-

I really, really like your blog and advice. I was little bit afraid to share my story, but I feel I need some advice from someone on the side. I have been with my bf for more than 2 yrs and we love each other so much; we live together we travel together a lot share same interest, but there is one little thing: I am not American.

I came on a visa. We fell in love, and it was amazing. But my visa expired and I couldn't get a new one I had to choose to stay illegally and be with him or go home.(He didn't want to do a fake marriage, so I can stay legally. Was a hard decision but I knew our love was worth to stay. And now year and a half later I am still here illegally, haven't seen my family for four years, and I can't leave the country because they won't let me come back. I live every day in fear I can get caught and deported and everything will be over. He knows all this, and he understands how much I suffer and that he can help us and change the things but he won't do it.)

I can't have a normal life, working under the table not feeling like a normal person. He says he wants to have future with me, travel the world together come visit my country, but when I bring up the subject of marriage he says he is not ready. I don't understand...I can't keep on going like this. I keep dreaming one day he will propose and having hopes in vain. I told him the other day that he needs to make some decision about what we gonna do that I am ready to make the next step, and all he says is I am not ready. I love you I can't imagine life without you, but I am not ready to get married. But having our relationship in my situation is stressful and risky. I made so many compromises to to be here like this. Please any advice? He is amazing and loving and caring, but I feel he doesn't want to grow up and commit and he will be 31 and I will be 30.

-A Woman Without a Country

Dear Woman Who Deserves Better Than This:

Your first step is to get a good immigration lawyer, someone who can explain in plain language what your options are. Use the savings you planned to spend on a wedding here; it's a vital investment. This boyfriend of yours is not looking out for you, so you have to look out for yourself.

Now, re-read this sentence you wrote:

"I made so many compromises to be here like this."

You have indeed made many compromises. You've compromised your relationship with your family, your peace of mind, your self-esteem, your youth, and perhaps your morals (it's clear you don't enjoy breaking the law) to pin your hopes on some guy who claims to love you.

He says he doesn't want to get married, and you're still waiting for him to "make a decision." He's made a decision.

Now you have to make a decision. Please get over the idea that this individual is the only man for you. Get over the idea that you're almost 30, and you'd better bag a husband fast. The most powerful (and attractive) thing you can do right now is work on your self-esteem. Understand that you deserve better than a man who'd so selfishly and cavalierly allow you to sacrifice so much in return for so very little.

After you get hold of the good lawyer, I wholeheartedly recommend you read a book by Louise Hay entitled, You Can Heal Your Life. Some people object to Hay because she's New Age, but the affirmations are extremely valuable. Ignore any New Age stuff if it doesn't appeal to you (it doesn't appeal to me), but do use the affirmations.

A good affirmation can do wonders to build your self-esteem, and once you build your self-esteem, you'll attract (and accept) much better circumstances.

If you repeat an affirmation out loud (privately, of course) at least 25 times a day, you'll definitely feel a shift within a couple of weeks. Here are two you can use right away:

"I love myself unconditionally."

"I deserve all the best life has to offer."

In the meantime, I wish you every good thing in the world.

Want to Help a Woman Out?

2010-02-25T12:18:00.006-05:00

I received the following request from a reader:

Hey Terry,

I'm working on a graduate research project about nonverbal behaviors during first dates. I'm looking for participants who have online dating experience and I'm hoping you would be willing to attach the link to my anonymous survey. If you want to preview the study before you make your decision I'd greatly appreciate it.

Thanks, Angie.

If you'd like to help Angie out by anonymously answering a series of questions (none too personal, I assure you), please click the link she provided. Again, she's looking for people who actually have online dating experience.

Completing the survey should take you no more than 10 minutes and will help a fellow female achieve a goal and make her way in the world. To participate, click here.

Law of Attraction to Get You Married

2010-02-23T11:56:00.006-05:00

Hi, Terry-

I always enjoy your emails. I would like to know if you have anything on having trouble getting a man to marriage. I have no problem getting them to a relationship. They are even willing to live with me. But none so far want marriage. What is a good answer/comeback when they say, yes I want a relationship with you. Let's move in together. Let's buy a house together. Even have kids together. But NO to marriage.

Thanks
A.

Dear A.

You know what you want, and that's a good thing. You're not moving in with these people, pretending that you can change their minds about marriage after you've been living with them for a while.

Just because you're attracting men who are willing to do everything with you except make it legal doesn't mean all men reject the idea of marriage (not by a long shot). The next time someone refuses to marry you but suggests you bear his children, just say, "No, thank you. I want to get married, and I'm going to hold out for a man who wants to get married and spend the rest of his life with me."

Then walk away.

In the meantime, picture yourself being married, not to some clown who asked you to give birth to his children, but to a man who treasures you and makes your happiness a priority.

What would this marriage look like?

Feel like?

Taste like?

Sound like?

Smell like?

In other words, bring in all your senses and make it real in your imagination. 'See' a wedding ring on your finger. Feel yourself holding the hand of the man who wears the ring you gave him.

Keep saying 'no' to men who offer you less than what you want. Keep bringing a happy marriage to life in your imagination. Do it morning, noon, and night. Do it every day. Keep it up.

It's called using the Law of Attraction, and it's powerful. Use it and watch out! After a while, you'll find yourself attracting a man who wants the same things you do.

To the Reader Who Submitted a Question (which I Somehow Lost)

2010-02-19T07:57:00.004-05:00

You're the reader who submitted a question about a man you once dated quite seriously, who later got involved with someone else. After that relationship ended, he started up with you again, only to tell you that the other woman was his 'soulmate.'

The bottom line was, he says he doesn't want to take things further with you. You love him, and you're confused and hurt.

(I hope I remember all the details correctly.)

First, let me apologize profusely for having somehow hit the wrong button, which sent your very important question (which was, essentially, how do you get him to change his mind?) into some never-ending rabbit hole.

I am so sorry.

I am also sorry about the situation with this man, but the worst thing you can do is try to convince him that you're the woman for him. Trust me. The more you do this, the more he'll be convinced the other woman really is the soul mate who got away.

You're in a lot of pain, obviously, so the best thing you can do is take extremely good care of yourself. Treat yourself as a treasure yet to be discovered (in other words, if you actually were with this guy, how would you want him to treat you? Treat yourself that way.)

You'd do well to stay busy. I think it's way too early to try to be this guy's supportive friend, and if you do it in the hopes that he'll come to his senses that you're the woman for him, I fear you'll be disappointed.

Fill your time with good, supportive, fun people who make you laugh. Avoid any living person needles you by bringing his name up out of the blue, as in, "Have you heard from X?" Or, "So what's going on with you and X?" (Tell people who love you and make the mistake of bringing him up that you're moving on and have taken his name out of your vocabulary.)

Also, avoid people who try to justify his behavior as a reason for you to be patient, as in, "You know, he's afraid of getting hurt. Give him time."

Guess what? Everybody (including you, I imagine) is afraid of being hurt.

Stop worrying about him. Stop talking about him altogether. Do your best to stop thinking of him.

Please let this guy go. In your absense, it's possible he'll miss you. If he does, tread very carefully with him. Don't rush into his arms. Guard your heart.

If he doesn't miss you, well, you'll be that much farther along in enjoying your new life --and all its possibilities -- without him.

Never underestimate the power of letting go. You'll get stronger, for one thing. If you treat yourself well (instead of the rejected girl or the loser at love) and open yourself to the possibility that there's someone out there who you wouldn't have to arm-twist into seeing your greatness, you will become used to being treated well. You will have raised your standards.

And that also is a powerful thing. It's also attractive.

I wish you all the luck in the world, and if you have a chance, drop me a line and let me know how you're doing.

Take the Pressure Off Valentine's Day

2010-02-14T11:00:00.004-05:00

Today is Valentine's Day. Whether you're a fan or not, the thing that matters most is the quality of your relationships, not some card or gift. And your most important relationship is with yourself.

If you're dating someone now, great; I'll get to you in a minute.

If you're not dating anyone right now, you certainly have at least one wonderful person in your life. And I mean you. Today, treat yourself as a treasure yet to be discovered. Imagine how the most desirable guy in the world would treat you and treat yourself that way.

This is important. When you make a habit of treating yourself like a treasure yet to be discovered, men pick up on it. You become a magnet for men who want a woman they can treasure.

It happened to me.

Buy yourself something special (just don't go into debt). Savor food you love to eat. Grab a fun friend (note that I said 'fun friend;' avoid complainers like the swine flu). Rent a good movie, pop some corn, and have a cocktail.

Have fun!

If you are in a relationship, don't get caught up in the hype. Some men are into Valentine's Day, and some don't get it at all (I don't really like it myself. My feeling is, if you love somebody, you should show them every day, not just on Valentine's Day). So,if the guy doesn't come bearing extravagant gifts, be open to the possibility that he thinks Valentine's Day is the over-hyped commercial holiday I do.

(Now, if he forgets your birthday, that's another story.)

More important than Valentine's Day, today begins MARDI GRAS week, so if you live near a Cajun restaurant, check out the party (Peter and I, never the Valentine's Day revelers, are headed to our favorite Cajun place with friends on Long Island tonight).

Life is short. Enjoy every minute of it!

Show Me the Love Every Day, Not Just on a Hallmark Holiday

2010-02-12T07:57:00.008-05:00

Last September, Keysha Whitaker, my partner at Single Women Rule, came up with the idea of a blog crawl. Readers liked it, and one of the participating bloggers decided to try one of her own, which she's calling (to be fair to Keysha!) a blog-a-thon, instead of a blog crawl.

That blogger is Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan, who teaches her male and female clients who want to get married to actually get married, as opposed to turning themselves into lifelong daters.

The blog-a-thon's subject is Valentine's Day, a 'holiday' that has always made me a bit queasy (have you seen those commmercials geared to men who want to stay out of trouble with their 'sweethearts?' Note to husband: I don't want flowers, chocolate, a pajama gram, or a freaking teddy bear. I get it that you love me; I don't need any of that crap to prove it).

Check out my post on Ronnie's blog-a-thon here. I addressed the subject of Valentine's Day, but not in a way (I hope) that makes you queasy.

What am I doing for Valentine's Day?

We're getting our taxes done (like working out, it feels better afterwards), and then we're meeting up with friends for dinner, drinks, and fun.

What are you doing? Do tell. Whatever it is, make it empowering and fun!

I'm Excited to Be Part of This

2010-02-10T15:38:00.006-05:00

Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan asked me to take part in her blog-a-thon, which started Monday and will run through Valentine's Day, February 14th. My post will appear on Friday, February 12th at After 40 Dating Tips, but don't wait until Friday. Check out her other guest bloggers now!

Here's some more info:

Valentine's Day Blog-a-thon Starts Monday, February 8th

Dating Tips to Find Love

(February 6, 2010) Better than a telethon, the first ever Valentine's Day Blog-a-thon raises awareness (instead of money) for the positive aspects of celebrating Valentine's Day as a single adult. While this holiday often causes single women everywhere to cringe, the Blog-a-thon has been created to shift that reaction to a more upbeat outlook.

Beginning Monday, February 8th, guest bloggers from some of the Internet's most popular sites, will be sharing their insights to help single women enjoy a day that is traditionally reserved for couples, and offer advice for finding the love they want.

Unite with countless single readers to take in this virtual tour of the web's best dating experts. Featured guest bloggers include:

Monday, 2/8: The Dating Goddess (www.DatingGoddess.com) who has one of the top-ranked dating advice sites and has published more than a dozen books about dating in the Adventures of Delicious Dating after 40 book series.

Tuesday, 2/9: Alyssa Johnson, MSW, LCSW, of www.RemarriageSuccess.com helps divorced parents move into new relationships and successful step families, and is the author of over 250 published articles and 4 books, with an active counseling practice.

Wednesday, 2/10: Laurie Davis is the founder of www.eFlirtExpert.com and co-host of the weekly web show, www.LoveNation.com. She helps singles market themselves to become successful daters, is the current NY Tech Dating Examiner and a contributing writer for The Guyds.

Thursday, 2/11: SingleMomSeeking is one of the best dating bloggers (as reviewed by about.com Guide to Dating) specializes in being a parent while looking for love at www.singlemomseeking.com/blog and author of Single Mom Seeking: Play Dates, Blind Dates, and Other Dispatches from the Dating World.

Friday, 2/12: Terry Hernon MacDonald, expert dating blogger at www.HappyGirlMusing.com is the author of the hot selling ebook, How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams.

Saturday, 2/13: DeAnna Lorraine, innovative Dating and Relationship Coach and NLP Practitioner, helps clients transform their love life to succeed with the opposite sex at www.DeAnnaLorraine.com

Sunday, 2/14: Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, The Dating Coach has helped over 2,000 singles to successfully jump start or accelerate their search for love. She is also a speaker, workshop leader, author of MANifesting Mr. Right and founder of www.NeverTooLate.biz.

Guest bloggers have been selected for their specific expertise to inform, inspire, and motivate singles to enjoy what is normally the most dreaded retail holiday of the year. In addition, single women, whether divorced, widowed or never married can learn from the sage dating wisdom these experts share.

Ronnie Ann Ryan, creator of the Valentine's Day Blog-a-thon said, "This is a ground-breaking opportunity for single women to rethink their reaction to Valentine's Day and transform the holiday experience into something enjoyable and positive."

Check out Ronnie Ann Ryan's Valentine's Day Blog-a-thon at After 40 Dating Tips !

She Doesn't Want Him to Think She's a Slut

2010-02-01T11:22:00.006-05:00

Hi, Terry-

I am a 33-year-old woman who was in a 13-year relationship that is not working out. I want to try to start dating again.

I met this guy who I liked and hung out with him and some other friends. We somehow got separated from the friends and ended up at his house. Of course, he wanted to have sex. I was not sure if it's ok to have sex being with someone the first time. Or should I wait? We were kissing and touching and things got heavy, but I put a stop to it. I don't want him to think I am a tease. My question is, is it ok to have sex on the first date or on the first time meeting? Would he think that I am a slut or too easy? If you can please answer my question, I would appreciate it. Thank you.

-Not a Slut

Dear Not-

You've been out of the dating scene since you just left your teens, so it's new and unfamiliar territory.

Here are some things you need to know:

-When you meet a new man, and his goal is to have sex (as opposed to spending time and getting to know you), he may be especially charming and "somehow separate" you from other people so that he can have sex with you.

-Whether it is okay to have sex with a person you just met is entirely up to you, but first you might want to find out if he takes regular showers, is free of disease, and possesses a soul.

-You should never worry about a man you had sex with thinking you're a slut. He had sex with you, too. Do you think he's a slut? A man who would have sex with you and call you a slut is a hypocrite. Discard him immediately.

You say you want to start dating again. What's your goal? Do you want to meet a man you can love and spend the rest of your life with? Or do you want to take time off from serious relationships and just play the field for a while?

While it's possible to find love after sex on a first meeting, it usually doesn't happen. People tend to get freaked out about what they should expect and how they should behave. So, if it's a relationship you want, hold off on the sex. Get to know the guy.

Make sure he's even worth your time.

A Flirting Tip For Women Who Feel Too Vulnerable to Flirt

2010-01-27T11:52:00.007-05:00

I loved this quick, helpful post from Single Mom Seeking, Rachel Sarah. In it, she shares a baby step she took to find love after two years of being a solo parent. Check it out here.

She writes about how she dipped her toe back into the romance pool by flirting with men who worked behind counters. She felt vulnerable. Barriers made her feel safe. Eventually, she got bolder, met the right man, and fell in love.

She offers excellent perspective on that in another post, 'Why Love is Possible.'

When a Man Says This...

2010-01-26T11:34:00.003-05:00

Very often I receive emails from women who've just heard one of the following statements from a man they thought they had a future with:

"I love you, but I don't think we should see each other anymore."

or

"I have feelings for you, but I'm not ready for a relationship."

or (my personal favorite)

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you."

These and similar idiotic statements leave the hearer dumbfounded. I mean, what do they really mean? A woman is left to wander the planet trying to decipher exactly what the poor fool was trying to communicate.

She asks her friends. She asks her mother. She consults a psychic. She lies awake at night trying to figure it all out.

And she comes to this conclusion:

HE MUST REALLY LOVE ME! HE LOVES ME! AS LONG AS HE LOVES ME(AND HE DOES; HE SAID HE DID!), I KNOW I CAN MAKE HIM COME AROUND. HE LOVES ME!!! I CAN AND MUST CONVINCE HIM WE BELONG TOGETHER!

Here's the thing, though. She can't, you can't, and I can't convince anyone of anything. If a man says he can't see you for any reason, take him at his word and move on. Forget any proclamations of 'love' or 'feelings' or 'wonderful times' together.

Move on.

Now, if you're telling yourself this kind of thing always happens to you, you're born under a bad sign, you're unlucky in love, I suggest you look at it this way:

The guy did you a favor (in a cowardly and unbecoming way). He's not for you. Be open to the very real possibility that a man who knows what he wants (you) is out there, hoping to meet you, and ready to do whatever it takes to love you and make you happy.

Say:

I was born under a very good sign.

Things happen for a reason.

I am lucky in love.

And repeat these statements often. Ask yourself, how does it feel to be lucky in love, for instance? How would you act? How would you think? How would you carry yourself?

Guess what? The more you say it and feel it, the sooner your subconscious will accept it and go to work on attracting the love you want and deserve.

(For more on this vitally important subject, check out Keysha Whitaker's piece on affirmations by clicking here.

Now, go for it. Because why would you ever accept anything less?

She Wants to Get Him Out of Her Head

2010-01-18T14:49:00.005-05:00

Hi, Terry-

I have been struggling to get out of a relationship that is going nowhere with a man who I know in my heart can't commit. I am relocating thousands of miles away, but the situation is killing me.

Trying to move on and let go. Can you help?

-Set Me Free

Dear Set-

Really sorry about this. Great about the physical move, but I don't have to tell you it's critical to get him out of your head, too.

Since we tend to idealize people we're in love with, It will really help to think about habits, traits, speech patterns, or clothing he might have worn that annoyed you. Blow those things up in your mind. Think about them often.

Here's an example: I was crazy in love with this very successful, handsome Wall Street banker. One night we were talking, and it became clear to me that he didn't know that Cairo was the capital of Egypt. For some reason, it bothered me, but I chose to forget about it.

After we broke up, that little detail helped me every time I was on the verge of building him up in my head as the man who could never be replaced. Sure, he wore nice suits, but who doesn't know that Cairo is the capital of Egypt?

Maybe your guy had questionable breath, had a hobby that bugged you, was rude to your friends, or something else. Maybe he wore baseball caps in restaurants (a big peeve of mine). The guy was not perfect. Use that to your advantage. Write down things about him that annoyed you and bring them to mind any time you're tempted to fantasize about him or the relationship.

Also, while I've never used EFT to get over a guy (I did use it to get over the trauma of my mother's death, and the resulting insomnia), I understand it's helpful in getting over a broken heart. Try emofree.com and put 'breakup' or 'broken heart' in the search engine for free info.

WARNING, WARNING:

Even though some people resist commitment, they still want to stay on your radar. If the guy starts texting or calling you 'just to say hi,' and that kind of nonsense, it's in your best interest to discourage that. The sooner you get him off your brain, the freer and happier you'll be.

I hope this helps. Congratulations on your move thousands of miles away!

Very best wishes,
Terry

How to Instantly Turn Him Off

2010-01-14T12:29:00.003-05:00

Aside from women who immediately slip cell phones on restaurant tables, men complain about women with chips on their shoulders.

Sure, a lot of of us have been burned (let's face it, a lot of men have been burned, too), and we don't want to get fooled again, but when we interrogate a guy about his past (as opposed to keeping our eyes and ears open and gently getting to know him over time), it's a total turn-off.

Ask yourself: How would you like it if you dated a man, and he went on about how "all women do this," and "well, that's the way you women are," and, "Why did you break up with your last boyfriend? Didn't he make enough money for you?"

Nobody likes to be treated like a user or foreign species. We're all human, so approach a new man as you would a potential new friend. Take the pressure off.

Does this mean that the guy isn't out for himself? Isn't a total creep? A player?

Of course not. He may very well be a creep and a player, but, again, keep your eyes and ears open. Do his actions match his words, for example? Is he checking out every woman who walks through the door?

No need to interrogate. Watch.

The last thing you want to do is turn off a loving, loyal, passionate, successful, fun guy because you've been burned before.

I mean, who hasn't been?

Should She Reconnect With the One She Let Get Away?

2010-01-06T14:32:00.004-05:00

Hello, Terry!

I was rereading your book today and must say, I love it every time. Your inspiration always rings true. Well, that coupled with the sentimental nature of the season, I find myself wondering if I should revisit a past love.

I was victim of my own game of playing (too) hard to get. With that, I now think I drove away a really great guy. I'm wondering, would it be silly to send him a short "Happy New Year" text? I do have his email but only via the dating site we met on. Naturally, I don't want to look needy, but I do think there was enough there to at least try reconnecting. I'm wondering what your thoughts are on this one. Thanks Terry!

All the best,
K.

Dear K.-

I don't think it would hurt to send a quick text. If he responds, great. See where it goes. If he doesn't, allow yourself to move on. He's not the only pebble on the beach.

Happy 2010!

Terry

Holidays With His Ex

2009-12-28T09:37:00.004-05:00

Dear Terry:

My boyfriend of 10 months is 55, and I am 32. We have a lot in common and really enjoy each other's company. We are happy and our relationship is progressing normally; we are able to talk about everything and work through issues with respect and compassion for each other. We both feel that we are heading towards being married in the future.

My question is about the relationship he has with his ex-wife and their daughter. The daughter is 19 and goes to college on the other side of the country. He was married to her mother for over 20 years and they had an amicable divorce. In fact, they are still friends. I trust that.

But, what do you feel is an appropriate relationship for all of us to have? I don't want to spend holidays with his ex, but his daughter wants to see both her parents on holidays. My boyfriend feels torn.

Is it too much to ask that she will have to visit each parent separately? I don't have any real animosity toward the ex, I just don't want her around for every holiday. I realize that in a few years from now, once my relationship with my bf is not "new", I might feel differently about his ex being around...but right now, I'd prefer a little distance. I also have an 8-year-old son (whose father is not involved). I want to have a "family" and, honestly, I don't want that to include his ex-wife.

His daughter is certainly included (if she wants to be), but do I have a right to insist that holidays are not spent with the ex? I am very willing to spend time with the ex for functions dealing with their daughter (graduation, parties in her honor, etc.) but I think that's where the line should be drawn.
I would love your advice/suggestions! Thank you.

-Maybe Later I'll Feel Differently

Dear Maybe Later-

First off, let me apologize for responding to your question on December 28th, but since Christmas lasts until January 6th, you may still be waiting for my answer.

I completely understand that you want your first Christmas with your boyfriend to be special. Who wouldn't? You've been with the man 10 months, and you're talking about marriage.

That said, I wouldn't insist on anything with regard to his ex-wife or his daughter. They've worked out a routine that so far has worked for them, and heaven forbid the daughter interpret your understandable desire for family time as an attempt to wedge her mother out of the picture.

Instead, I would tell him, "I really admire the way you and ____________ have handled your divorce and the way you've raised _______________. I would like a little time alone with you during the holidays. Is there a way we can work that out?"

Then wait for his answer. He may need time to think it through. After all, he's had a routine that used to make everyone happy, and now he needs another plan. Would you be amenable to spending Christmas Eve but not Christmas Day with the ex? Or New Year's Day but not New Year's Eve?

The daughter goes to college far away, so she doesn't get a lot of Mom and Dad time. As she gets older and gets involved in career, relationships, and perhaps marriage and children, she may require even less (if she gets married, she'll probably be expected to spend some of the holidays with her husband's family).

Let me repeat: I do think you're being reasonable (because, really, what guy would want to hang out with your ex every holiday?), but I would take a long view here.

After all, you're the one he plans to marry.

He Wants to Commit...Just Not Now

2009-12-21T13:01:00.007-05:00

Terry,

I've dated this this man for 3 years, but before hand we were best friends and he waited on me while I explored, and that damaged him pretty badly. We broke up because of me, yet again and (let's just say I learned the hard way) I want to commit to him. He says that he has aspirations and goals to marry me, have children with me, and settle down with me, but right now he needs space.

One second he invites me over, and we're together for weeks, and then one day he flips out and decides to run away for space. I don't know what's going here, and I don't know what could be going on inside of his head, because he can only tell me "I want to be with you, but I'm not ready for this relationship yet. When I'm ready, I'll ask. And yes baby I want to start a clean slate with you."

What is going on? What am I supposed to do and think?

Help please!

-Want to Commit

Dear Commit-

It sounds to me like you nailed it when you say that you hurt him. He gets together with you for a while, and then he gets scared and retreats. He's afraid of getting hurt again.

I don't know what you can say or do to make him trust the relationship. I do know that actions always speak louder than words, so it's probably best to give him what he asks for: Space. And tell him how you feel, something along the lines of, "I'll miss you, but I know you need this."

(Question: When he takes his space, is he free to date other people? Are you? If you don't know, please ask him. If he's dating, he can't expect you not to date. If he's not dating, don't date. The goal is to build trust.)

He says he'll come around when he's ready, but there's no guarantee he'll ever be ready, so you have to face that possibility. (I really wish I had more to offer you here.)

Ask yourself if you're truly willing to take a chance on this guy by being patient, or if you'll get itchy and start looking around again.

I'm thinking good thoughts for you. Good luck.

He Loves His Wife, But She's Always Annoyed at Him

2009-12-15T10:16:00.004-05:00

Hi, Terry-

I'm kind of confused as to what to do.

I've been with my wife for over 10 years. We met in 1998 (started dating August of 1998), got engage in 2003 and finally married in 2005. We've been together the whole time. For both of us it has been a commitment since the first date.

Slowly and slowly more things I do annoy her. I made a sandwich the other day, and she was upset that there were some crumbs left on the counter top. And I really do try to do a good job of not being sloppy. I haven't always been good with that, but it certainly wasn't because I was trying to be evil or rude.... it just wasn't something I was that aware of. But I'm making an effort to be more considerate.

She gets annoyed that I leave my closet door open. I didn't see the issue with it, so instead of making it an issue I just complied. Now it's some crumbs I left on the counter top.

It's hard dealing with at times because it's a really crappy feeling to view yourself as this big clod of a nuisance that just annoys the person you care about so much.

I don't really have a lot of friends anymore. So many moved away after graduating from high school and then college.

It's hard at times not to be overwhelmed with a feeling of being alone.

Anyway....
Thanks for any insight.

God bless.

-Becoming Depressed

Dear Becoming-

From your email, I can tell you're a loving and caring guy, the type of man who makes his wife's happiness a priority. Take comfort in the fact that a lot of women would love to find someone like you.

When one spouse starts getting annoyed with the other over little things, it may mean the relationship needs a little air. It's possible your wife is getting too much of you right now (please don't be offended by this; it's human nature to take just about everything for granted. We all do it, unfortunately).

You say that you've lost touch with friends, so the best thing you could do is make some new ones. You can do this pretty easily by pursuing an old or new interest; you're bound to meet new people at a class at the Home Depot or on a local sports team for men your age.

If you haven't already, join Facebook to reconnect with old friends. (Since I joined, I've been invited to several reunions. In late January, I'm scheduled to meet up with a bunch of friends from my childhood neighborhood. Haven't seen some of the them in decades.)

Caveat about Facebook: Avoid becoming too friendly with former girlfriends. The goal here is to reinvigorate your relationship with your wife, not destroy it.

If you make more of a social life for yourself, you'll give your wife time to herself, which will give her time to think about you. Small absences do make the heart grow fonder. And when you come home from seeing a friend, you'll have something fresh to talk about with her.

If you have a cell phone and are in the habit of calling your wife repeatedly during the day, limit your calls. Call if you're going to be late, but save the "How was your day?" conversation until you're looking her in the eye. If you call your wife too often, what will you talk about when you see each other? Cell phones can be deadly to romance.

When you're regularly giving the relationship air, it's very possible your wife will stop taking you for granted. At this point, it'll be fun to go out (alone) together for dinner or for something else you both enjoy. Dates really help bring back the spark, especially when you actually have things to talk about!

(Finding a decent babysitter can be stressful, so please help.)

As for the bit about the closet door being open and the crumbs on the countertop, they do seem like small things. But if you have children, your wife is likely cleaning up after them. It's no fun to clean up after other people.

However, if she doesn't do it, and someone shows up unexpectedly at your house, they will most likely judge her (not your or your children) a slob and a rotten housekeeper. She's under some pressure to keep the place looking just so.

I want to reiterate that you do sound like a wonderful guy. I hope this helps, and I wish you every happiness in the world.

-Terry

Things to Know Before You Agree to Marry Him

2009-12-11T10:49:00.009-05:00

Dear Terry,

I always feel happy reading your blog and your newsletters as well! I read these two points in your newsletter:

1) "Which brings us to YOU. How do you feel about infidelity? If it's a deal breaker for you, don't marry a man and assume it's a deal breaker for him."

2)"If you want a faithful guy, marry a faithful guy. If you want (or don't want) children, marry a man who's on the same page."

---------
Now, you could ask a man if he wants kids after marriage or not? When do you ask this? Is it when you decide he's the one? Is it when he proposes ?

Now, the tougher part - How do you find out if a man's faithful? Please don't tell me we can ask the man to find out if he's faithful or not! If he's interested in the girl, his answer would always be yes!

And how do you ask this question? I know many faithful great married men, but then there are also some who cheat after 10 yrs of marriage, etc. How can you find out for sure the man would never ever cheat ?

Eagerly waiting for your reply ....

Keep me Anonymous

Hi, Anonymous-

About having kids: When you've been dating a man for a while, you're probably going to be invited to his family's house. He'll be invited to yours. Chances are, one or both of your families will have a few kids running around, and you'll see how the guy behaves around them.

You'll see if he likes them, and if they like him. Shortly after I started dating my husband, we went to a barbecue at my friend's house. She had a couple of kids and commented how good he was with them.

I passed along the compliment, but at that point, I didn't ask him if he had any plans for fatherhood.

Later on in the relationship, his sister visited from Canada to go to a wedding and asked him to babysit. I spent the day with him and his nephews. The children clearly loved him, but the subject of his having his own children had never come up between us. So, at that point, having spent many months together, I said (casually), "You really are great with kids. Do you want your own some day?"

I didn't ask him if he wanted them with me. I just let him answer.

When we started talking about getting married, I made it clear that I was open to having children, but I wasn't positive I could have them (I had no reason to think I suffered from fertility problems, but many people do. For all I knew, he did). I asked him if we were to find out we couldn't have children, would he be okay with it? I asked him if we could have children, would he be happy with two of them?

As for being faithful, there's a lot you can tell about a person by the way he looks at, behaves around, and talks about other women. If he's got a friend who's cheating on a girlfriend, what's his attitude about it? What's his attitude towards women in general?

What about his character? Does he keep his word? Show up when he says he's going to show up (and I don't mean just for you, I mean for friends, employers, etc.)? Is he prone to twisting the truth, taking the bigger half, that sort of thing? These may not be definite indicators of a potential cheater, but they are red flags. It does indicate that the guy puts his own interests before people's.

It helps to watch how his parents treat each other, or if they're remarried, how they treat their spouses.

Again, when we started talking about the possibility of marriage, I asked my then-boyfriend how he felt about cheating, if he'd ever cheated before, if his parents had a good marriage, that sort of thing. We had a discussion. He wanted to know the same things about me.

I said I don't respect cheaters, and I wouldn't stick around if he ever cheated on me. He said, "That's fair because if you ever cheated on me, I'd divorce you."

There are never any guarantees in life, so this discussion didn't guarantee we'd never cheat on one another. But having it did let him know where I stood. I knew where he stood. And knowing where we stood decreased the chances of nasty surprises.

I want to reiterate that this conversation came after we'd been together a while and had become serious. I spent much of our early relationship watching my husband to see if his actions matched his words. If they hadn't I would have let him go. The conversation would not have been necessary.

As for your question about men who cheat ten years later, I do believe that character is a good indicator about whether your guy will turn out to be one of these. Occasionally, people do change and others just make mistakes, so again you can never say never, but a man with character isn't going to go on a business trip with the intention of scoring a little side action.

I really hope this helps.

Book Review: Don't Ever Call Me, Ma'am!

2009-11-30T11:55:00.004-05:00

I never get it when people, particularly women, worry about their age.

I don’t understand why they consider themselves less attractive or less valuable or less anything as they get older. It’s been my experience that people with a few years under their belts are funny, smart, and interesting (well, usually).

So when a book comes along to assure me that life begins at 40, I’m like, “No kidding.” You’re preaching to the choir.

But then I read my mail. I get email from women who tell me they might as well have dropped dead at 40. Men don’t want them. Employers don’t want them. The only person who does want them is the plastic surgeon.

(Again, personal experience shows me something else. A good friend, who’s 44 with two children, attracts a ridiculous number of men ranging in age from 20 to 60. Two years ago, she set her sights on a certain position in a certain location - and got it. Still has it, too.)

But if you’re a woman who fears 40, I do recommend Linda Franklin’s Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am! The Real Cougar Handbook. The first Canadian woman to own a seat on the New York Stock Exchange, the woman’s got a winning attitude whether she’s writing about success or relationships.

Here’s Franklin’s take on men:

"While it may be true that more women over 40 are enjoying relationships with younger men, they aren’t putting themselves on the auction block to do it. Don’t believe for a minute that a Real Cougar is a lonely predator skulking in dark bars preying on younger men. She is definitely not the cartoon character that too many make her out to be. Undoubtedly, this negative image was concocted by the overly testosteroned fantasy world of our male population. Let’s face it: Women are still the prime target for the good old boy’s double standard. And the only way we’re going to change that is to continue to excel doing it our way.”

The book includes a how-to chapter on dating and relationships, guest-written by dating coach and author Ronnie Ann Ryan (full disclosure: Ronnie’s a competitor of mine who’s now a friend). The book also features Franklin’s easy-to-follow advice on managing one’s finances and her success plan for achieving goals (with a very inspiring story about how one woman set out to become a best-selling author and became one). There’s also a chapter on sex, amusingly titled, “Sex Is Not a Job.”

Fore more information on Linda Franklin and Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am!, check out The Real Cougar Woman.

It's Not True Love, It's Low Self-Esteem

2009-11-25T11:01:00.005-05:00

Terry,

I had a one-year relationship with a man that I instantly hit it off with from our first date. We dated for four months and then circumstances in his life, sleeping on his brother's couch led to me asking him to live with me. For our whole year together our relationship was as close to perfect .

But something changed out of the blue, where I felt he was not trusting me, just things he would say before I left for work, little jabs here and there when I was talking to my friends on computer. I am to this day still deeply in love with this man, but....

He started acting pulling away and at first I noticed and let it go, but played out at the end of our relationship that he was seeing someone else, and in an instant left me for her. Now the woman he left me for has nothing, no car, she works at McDonald's. At 40 years old she has not ever strived to work anywhere else to better herself. But he tells me that everything is perfect. I see him out at the same club that I go to, and they look like they are on a blind date that is not going well at all.

Meanwhile, I'm independent and have an excellent job. I even helped him get into the same place that I work and helped him get promoted. I have to see him every day at work since we broke up. I have spoken to him and let the way our relationship ended go, the lies he told, the act he played when he left, saying I broke his heart that I was showing "signs of cheating", but what floors me is that I have no one and did not cheat, and here he did and still to this day blames me for our breakup.

When I speak to him, he limits talking to me just here at work, changed his phone number after us being broken up 7 months, or he will talk thru email and that is it. We have been thru all the emotions and not speaking and speaking and then fighting with each other.

I know that I have to let go and have tried to date other people, but
the only person that is constantly on my mind is him. What is that? True love? I have thought about him every day, made sure that he knows that I will always be there for him, but his body language is like he still has feelings for me, but his words do not.

What else can I do to get this man out of my head and heart, I feel so
stuck and have been so unhappy since he left. I thought by now that I would have met someone else and been in love again. But, my heart still belongs to him.

Tell me what I should do.

-Stuck on Mr. Moochie

Dear Stuck-

I'm sorry you're in pain. I have been there, so I definitely feel for you.

That said, would you please read over your letter with fresh eyes? Certain things will hit you between the eyes:

-You invited this man into your home to get him off his brother's couch.

-He became insulting and distrusting of you, the woman who got him off his brother's couch (not to mention helped him get a job and a promotion).

-He cheated on you and left you for the other woman "in an instant."

-He is still involved with this woman, a 40-year-old hamburger slinger with a boatload of baggage.

The thing that baffles me most is that you still want him. Sure, you may have had a couple of cozy times together, but rub the sand out of your eyes, Girl. The guy is clearly not worthy of you.

You say he changed his number. Were you calling him? Why would you ever call him?

You say he will communicate via email. Why would you glance in this person's direction, let alone email him?

He is not worthy to shine your shoes, yet you persist in thinking of him, reminiscing about the old times.

How can you get over him? Well, for starters, stop thinking of him. If that doesn't work, think of him with his arm around his little burger slinger, she in her cap and oily uniform. This is the life he has chosen.

Think about what you would do if he ever came back to you. Could you trust him? Respect him? What does he have to offer you besides the clothes on his back?

From where I sit, you may have a good job, but you clearly don't value yourself enough or you never would have given this toad the time of day.

Your best bet is to work on your self-esteem. When you love yourself, you will stop being attracted to individuals who are clearly incapable of adding any value to your life whatsoever. You will make room for people who will love you, encourage you, and make your happiness a priority

Start by reading a book called "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay. You may be able to find it in your library or your local bookstore. You can definitely get it at Amazon.

I hate to repeat myself, but please understand this guy has no business being in your head and heart. Evict him.

Terry

Are Men More Likely to Be Jerks?

2009-11-23T11:08:00.001-05:00

If you believe what you hear from the media, you might think so.

The December issue of First cited studies claiming that if a married woman becomes ill, her husband is 80% more likely to cheat on her or leave her. It made me wonder: Has anyone thought to do a study on the percent age of wives who leave or cheat on sick husbands?

We’ve been told over and over that the planet is loaded with substandard men, but there are some lovely, loyal, loving ones out there, too, and I fear they’re overlooked. And when someone finally notices them, they’re dismissed as weird or too nice. They just don’t fit the stereotype.

Substandard men do exist, of course. I once knew a girl who cut off her father after learning he’d had an affair while her mother died. I don’t blame her. But women can be jerks, too. I knew a wife who indulged in a series of romances after her husband went blind. A good friend of mine (a guy) had a friend who cared for his wife while she battled cancer; she dumped him for another man shortly after she recovered.

The media (TV shows, tabloids like Star and Us) pump us with stories about women done wrong, but in my experience, females are just as likely to cheat or to mistreat a spouse. Men don’t have a monopoly on bad behavior.

It’s dangerous to think otherwise. When we go about life believing that men are inherently less moral than we are, we lower our expectations. Some of us put up with the cheater because — what do you expect –men are hardwired to spread their seed wherever they can. We give the guy who walks out on his sick wife a pass because, well, he’s a guy. He’s not programmed to be a caregiver.

And then, others who want a relationship with a man avoid getting involved because they just can’t trust anyone with a Y chromosome (these are not the same women who are happily single and want to remain that way). Still others will get into a relationship with a guy and sabotage it to sideswipe disappointment.

I think it’s better to see men and women as people, to understand that some of us are capable and willing of treating others as we’d treat them, and to proceed accordingly.

Will the guy you’re dating run out on you if you become sick? It’s an excellent question and bears thinking about (because how many women rush into marriage without even discussing whether they and the bridegroom are even on the same page when it comes to having kids?).

Before you put your life in a man’s hands, get to know him.

See how he treats people, particularly elderly people.

Is he patient with them? Is he kind to them? If he’s got a grandfather in a nursing home, does he make time to visit him, or is he “too busy?” At family gatherings, does he help the old aunt to the table, or does he trip over her like a piece of furniture? Does he visit sick friends in the hospital, or does he shake his head and say, “That’s too bad,” and log on to Facebook.

Don’t get caught up in studies and statistics. Men tell you if they’re worth your time. They tell you exactly who they are.

Are you listening?

Younger Men Like Older Women

2009-11-16T12:10:00.004-05:00

Ever feel that getting older makes you less attractive?

Well, who could blame you? That myth is foisted upon us by the media every day. (It keeps advertisers happy because it sells tons of product to make us feel better about ourselves.)

Yesterday's New York Times dispelled it in an article about younger men who pursue older women.

According to the article by Marcelle S. Fischler, many young men are eager to date more mature women for a variety of reasons. Some are into it for probably the wrong reason (older women are more sexually experienced; one lummox described them as "grateful"), but others, including one 27-year-old who is dating a 41-year-old mother of three teens, say they like older women simply because they're more mature.

The article also mentions a 28-year-old real estate project manager who says he'd be willing to date 8 out of 11 women (nearly old enough to be his mother) who attended an event for younger men who wanted to meet older women.

Fischler also cited a British study which found that 20% of men in their 20s and 22% of men in their 30s would date an older woman. That's about one in five, Ladies.

When a Woman Earns More, Her Man Aims to Please

2009-11-09T12:43:00.007-05:00

Brian Alexander, the author of America Unzipped: In Search of Sex and Satisfaction, details his findings about sex and economics. He writes:

"As more and more women in the U.S. out earn the men in their lives, or become the sole breadwinners, men are trying to figure out how they fit into the relationship, including in the bedroom."

Alexander offers the example of a corrections officer who is married to an oncology nurse:

"...since she brings home much of the bacon, he wants to make sure he’s offering her some perks too. He leaves affectionate notes around the house for her and tries to keep the house tidy. And he wants to make sure he shines in one special area.

Since she is 'handling certain areas of the relationship' like making most of the money, he said, “you’ve got to handle your business.” By “business,” Hayes means sex. 'You’ve got to be creative. You’ve got to be good!'"

Clearly, we females must stop being afraid of success.

For the rest of the story, click here.

Stop Attracting Dysfunctional Men

2009-11-03T09:05:00.004-05:00

If you keep attracting men who don't make you happy, check out Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan's response to the writer who emailed to tell me she's tried everything (including vision boarding and employing the Law of Attraction -- which usually do the trick) but still winds up with guys who seem great, and then turn out to be dysfunctional or commitment-shy.

By the way, Ronnie is the author of Manifesting Mr. Right, and she manifested her very own Mr. Right after the age of forty. Now she helps other people (men, too) find the loves of their lives.

Check out Manifesting Mr. Right here.

(And if you think you have to be over 40 to benefit from Ronnie's guidance, you absolutely do not. Also, if you purchase Ronnie's book, I will get a cut, which will enable me to keep writing this blog.)

*****
Here's Ronnie's response:

Dear Disillusioned,

Dating can be frustrating but just because you haven't
ended up in a committed relationship, doesn't mean
all the other men were a waste of time. There is
much to be learned from every relationship, even
if it doesn't last.

One thing you have learned is that you have a
habit of attracting men with similar flaws. That
can have several root causes.

1. You may be replaying family issues and patterns.
This is something therapists often point to and not
something a dating coach like myself can address.
But it might be worth looking at, just in case.

2. You may believe, for whatever reason, that true
love is not possible for you. Sometimes people have
a core belief buried deep within and this is what
manifests rather than your conscious desire. I
recommend asking yourself if you believe you can
find love and deserve to find love. Of course I
believe everyone deserves love, but I don't count
here. It's what's in your subconscious mind that
matters most.

3. If you are attracted to a certain type of man,
the bad news is they come with the same type of flaws.
You haven't told me about the kind of men you are
interested in so it's hard to say. But given my
experience as an over 40 dating coach, I can tell
you that men who are "interesting", exciting, and
have fast chemistry are most often not the long-term
type. Usually, they are "bad boys" who are famous for
a lack of commitment, or a variety of issues no matter
how much they make your heart flutter.

Based on this scenario, my advice is to think
back over all the men you have dated to notice
patterns. What did the men have in common regarding
attraction and their issues? Then make a list of the
personality characteristics (i.e. red flags) you
never want to see again. When you go back out there
to meet new men, check the list after getting home.
If you start to see any of your red flag list, move
on to save yourself the heart ache.

Almost all men will show their true colors right
from the start. For some reason, women tend to
think those things won't happen or simply discount
what the guy says about himself. I advise paying
close attention and using the first few dates to
observe a man objectively. Make sure the men you
date are worthy of you and pay attention to those
red flags. When they start waving -run!

Good men are out there, and people get married
every day no matter what their romantic history
is or age. Once you have figured a few things out,
get back out there to find the love you deserve.
The right man for you is out there. I found love after 40,
and I know you can too.

Xoxoxo
Ronnie Ann Ryan - The Over 40 Dating Coach
Author, Manifesting Mr. Right

****

It's Terry again, and I want to repeat very strongly one of Ronnie's excellent points:

"People get married every day, NO MATTER WHAT THEIR ROMANTIC HISTORY IS or age."

It's critical that you get this. If you can't believe you can succeed at something because you've never done it before, you won't. If you can't believe you'll ever lose weight, you'll give up the diet after a day or two. If you don't believe you'll ever find a decent job, guess what? You won't. If you believe that a happy relationship isn't in the cards for you, it won't be.

Believe that you are capable of attracting and keeping a happy relationship. It's not hocus-pocus. Faith moves mountains.

Go for it.

He Wants a Good Woman

2009-10-30T12:22:00.004-04:00

Sometimes I get mail from women who insist that men don't want to commit, so it was interesting to find this bit from a guy who says he can't find a woman to settle down with. He calls himself healthy, attractive, and he says he has a well-paying job.

Get the whole story here.

She's Not Comfortable With His Affection

2009-10-28T11:59:00.005-04:00

Terry,

I met a warm, friendly guy a few months ago. His conversations are interesting, and he's handsome.

Problem (or is it?):

The few times we've been alone I've had to "fight him off"; he wants to kiss and caress me repeatly. I am uncomfortable with this because I'm just getting to know him. Am I overreacting? I don't want to chase him away by complaining, but my comfort is also an issue.

Please give me some feedback.

-Uncomfortable

Dear Uncomfortable-

When you say you've fought him off, have you told him what you told me: That you're uncomfortable with the affection because you're just getting to know him?

If not, speak up. See what he says. See what he does. It should tell you everything you need to know.

You did say you met him a few months ago, so maybe his kisses and caresses are true expressions of his feelings for you. Maybe you don't return those feelings yet. Maybe you never will. You may decide that you just like him as a friend.

But if you've already told him to back off, and he's ignored you, you definitely have a problem on your hands. You don't need a man who disregards your feelings. If this is the case, move on.

He's Perfect (On Paper)

2009-10-21T13:51:00.004-04:00

Question:

Been seeing Mr. Perfect On Paper: shared interests, activities, achievements, values.

But neither of us seems passionate about getting physically involved, and I don't feel -- and I guess he doesn't either -- that it's just awful to part at the end of an evening or a day together. We're both 60ish, were in 25-year marriages that ended (obviously): are we just gun-shy and holding back, or is this just not the relationship we need?

-Anonymous, please

-Dear Anonymous-

It sounds to me like you've met the perfect man to be your friend.

You seem to have a lot in common, so I don't see the harm of spending time together, but it seems that you're just not attracted to each other. Attraction is vital to a romantic relationship.

Is it possible attraction will develop?

Sure. Definitely. But it's also possible it won't. As long as you and your friend are having fun together, why not hang around with each other long enough to find out?

He Broke Up With Her to Please His Family

2009-10-20T10:11:00.004-04:00

Hello,

I'm so confused about something. My ex-boyfriend, and I "broke up" about a month ago. We had a great relationship - very healthy. I know his family had a lot to do with his decision (our culture is very complicated when it comes to dating/marriage).

Anyhow, it doesn't feel like we've even broken up. Everything has stayed the same. I know he has very strong feelings for me - and I for him. We talk everyday, we hang out a few times a week, we take trips and everything. He still tells me he loves me. Even when he goes out without me he's constantly texting me.

This situation is making me crazy. I want to be with him, but I just don't know how to handle things this way. Why is he like that? And how should I handle it? HELP!

~Turning Nutty

Dear Turning-

You say your relationship ended because his family had "a lot to do with his decision." Clearly, he wants to continue your relationship, but he does not want to offend his family. At this point, he is trying to have it both ways.

So, he is getting what he wants. His family is getting what they want. The only person who isn't getting what she wants is you.

You need to protect yourself.

He broke it off, so break it off. Don't go out with him or take trips with him. When he tells you he loves you, tell him, "That's great, but you broke up with me. Remember? You have given up the right to tell me anything of the sort."

He has also given up his right to text you and expect you to talk to him every day.

I'm afraid that if you continue to let things go the way they're going, you're going to get hurt. And he'll be able to wriggle out of it by saying, "But I never led you on. We were broken up."

Please take very good care of yourself. Bury yourself in something you've wanted to do but have put off since you starting seeing Family Man. Treat yourself as a treasure he's lost and a better man will be lucky to discover.

That's what you are: A treasure yet to be discovered. Stop letting this guy waste your time.

Please don't refer to yourself as 'Turning Nutty.' From now on, say you're 'Turning Toward Something Better.'

2009-10-13T11:24:00.005-04:00

Hey, Terry-

I've got some issues here. I'm in a long distance relationship. Actually, this guy was my childhood friend and we connected together recently. He studies abroad. He fell in love with me, everything was going too fast, he kinda "made me love him," took off my icicle.

He became all I was asking for in a man. We met during summer vacations, it was awesome, and then he went back to the country where he studies. Since then, he's backing off. I don't know what happened. He calls once in a blue moon (he used to call me everyday!).

No more I love yous, no more I miss yous, NOTHING. He barely responds to my mails. We used to spend hours on Skype! I mean, he was so passionate and excited about us and the future together, he asked me to promise I'd wait for him. And I did.

And now he's backing off?! I mean... What am I supposed to do?! When I tell him about how I feel, he says that he's just busy, that he needs to concentrate and that he'll try to call me on weekends. He was busy before, too, but he used to call! I'm only asking for two minutes a day here, just to say hi and know he still cares. And he still finds time to talk to his friends and family and go on Facebook. The result is that I'm backing off too, returning to my shell. And I don't get it. One month before, he was madly in love, and now he can't even say a kind word to me?

-What is the Deal?

Dear Deal-

It's not fair that this guy warmed you up, and then left you cold, but please take comfort in the fact that you are not the first person who's suffered this crap.

Here's my advice: Stop calling him, texting him, visiting his Facebook page. Don't initiate contact whatsoever. Stop telling him how you feel (he doesn't deserve to hear it). Yes, breaking contact will hurt at first, but it will get easier. It's also worth it. Know that just as you cannot fathom why this guy came on so strong only to leave you high and dry, prolonging the agony is only going to prolong the agony.

(There are men and women who get off on 'the chase.' They determine to make someone fall in love with them, woo them until they do, and then move on because the fun is over. I don't know if this guy falls into this category, but it's possible.)

Fill your time taking care of yourself, doing things that make you happy and keep your mind off this person. If he should contact you, guard your heart and resist making yourself overly available. Think very hard if it's worth letting him into your life again.

Is he worth it? Does he deserve you?

I hope you won't let this unfortunate experience prevent you from finding happiness with a man who does deserve you and doesn't ever take you for granted.

You Can Change Your Life

2009-10-08T11:31:00.006-04:00

Dear Terry:

At 18 I had a love at first sight relationship, and we were great friends, but after two years on-and-off, we ended it. I had a few fun relationships in my early 20s, but then some disastrous abusive relationships. I chose to return to university for fulfillment and achievement. However a number of factors led to a nervous breakdown, and I moved back in with my parents.

My father was repressive and domineering, and my self-esteem and sense of independence were shattered. In my mid-30s I returned again to university to earn a Masters Degree. However, my efforts have been impeded by homelessness, financial bankruptcy, and abusive and repressive attitudes when I should have been able to celebrate my achievements. As a result, my 30s were ruined because I was trying to survive. I was not free to enjoy supportive relationships or to have children.

Most of my male friends disappeared, and I miss those friendships. Not to mention the fact that I want a real relationship.

While working on my MA , I had an awesome encounter with a man I used to work closely with. We have met since, but he is married and lives on another continent. My emotions are in turmoil.

I have just turned 40, and only three friends wished me a happy birthday, although they are all aware I require some support. I don't actually meet men I like, as the situation has been too stressful, and I've had to put all my energy into finding accommodation and living expenses.

Any advice?

-Want a Fresh Start

Dear Fresh Start-

I edited your letter for clarity and hope I've done a decent job of it.

I have to get this out of the way: I am not a licensed health professional. I do suggest you get the name of a good, supportive, caring therapist whose goal is to help you move on with your life as soon as possible.

Since you know you struggle with self-esteem issues (which lead to all sorts of other issues, including the loss of friends, getting involved in bad relationships, and other self-destructive behavior), I suggest you take out of the library You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. It's an effective, easy-to-digest book that's helped many people (you might also be able to borrow the DVD by the same name; it's good, too).

As far as your friends go, I do not know how you've treated them, or even if they were really friends or just acquaintances, but one of the most powerful things we can do when we feel lonely and abandoned is to be a friend to someone else. There is a human being out there who needs a friend even more than you do.

Can you find the time to be a friend to someone else? If you can, it will do wonders for your self-esteem. It may also lead to wonderful opportunities.

As for the man with the wife on another continent, the encounter may have been awesome, but how much time would you really want to spend with an individual who cheats on his wife? I mean, if you were married, would you want your husband to cheat on you?

I don't care how bad things look right now. You can do better than a man who cheats on his wife.

Once again, please do get hold of an excellent therapist who can help you build the self-esteem you deserve. I wish you every happiness.

-Terry

He Wants Her to Do Things He's Not Willing to Do For Her

2009-10-05T11:16:00.005-04:00

Dear Terry-

I am dating a nice guy, but I AM feeling a big BUT here.

I don't know why. Something just doesn't feel right about all this for me. I can't put my finger on it. You would think after dating him exclusively for for five months, my opinion would change. The sex life is so-so, not fantastic. There are things he wants me to do that he won't do for me! (I've discussed this with my doctor and he suggests that I don't do these things, either!)

I am entrepreneurial, motivated, driven and focused. He is not. He is semi-retired and has a great (according to him) pension.

-Uncertain

Dear Uncertain-

I have a big problem with any man or woman who expects a partner to perform any act (even if it only involves hanging curtains) that they are unwilling to do in return.

No. No. No!

Both parties in a relationship should be treating the other person as they'd like to be treated themselves.

If something doesn't feel right, guess what? It probably isn't right. You're entrepreneurial, and your comment about this guy's "great (according to him) pension" indicates that you're not thrilled with his lifestyle. So why twist your own arm into continuing the relationship?

You say he's a nice guy, but how nice is he really when he expects you to do things for him that wouldn't even consider doing for you?

An Omen That They're Not Meant to Be?

2009-10-01T12:34:00.004-04:00

Terry-

My boyfriend popped the question that we should live together. Right afterward, I fell and broke my wrist. His come-on line was. "You like my house and my dog, right?" We have only been dating four months and I only see him once or twice a month. By the looks of things I probably won't see him until mid-October.

I never answered him when he asked me to move in. I just got really scared, and then I had the accident. I shattered two bones. He wanted me to have surgery in New York so he could take care of me. I wanted it at home where I could take care of myself. I felt like a prisoner in his home until he heard surgery was gonna cost me $2,500 US, and then he couldn't get me home fast enough.

He hasn't returned to see me since. He was supposed to come this weekend, but he had a prior engagement that was rescheduled for the same time, so now I probably won't be seeing him until mid-October.

He calls nightly. When I was recuperating, I didn't always take the call if I was resting. Honestly. The pain meds knocked me out. I was looking for a sign when we walked in the woods prior to my fall.

Was my fall a sign? If so, what did it mean?

-Clueless and Over the Border

Dear Over the Border-

I don't know if your accident was a sign from the universe, but clearly you have serious reservations about this individual. Listen to your intuition.

Why would you leave the country to move in with some guy you've met only a handful of times?

The line about you liking his house and dog was very romantic, by the way.

Terry

Are You Working Too Hard for Love?

2009-09-28T11:38:00.005-04:00

How hard to you have work for love?

If you listen to pop radio, you have to work really, really hard for it. Right now, there's a hit single describing love as a battlefield (not to be confused with Pat Benetar's "Love is a Battlefield," which was a huge hit way back when in the Eighties).

I'm always hearing songs sung by well-lit young women describing their pain in love, and these songs usually become giant hits. And it's no wonder. They can be pretty catchy.

The problem is, a lot of women listen to them and come to the conclusion that love equals pain. If we're not feeling sad, if we're not feeling the drama, then we can't be in love.

Furthermore, a lot of us who are in bad relationships tell ourselves, "Hey, this is the way it's supposed to be. Love is work." This causes some women to put up with a lot of substandard behavior from the men they spend time with.

Please open yourself to the possibility that if you're feeling bad or sad in your relationship more than 20% of the time, you may be in the wrong relationship. You could be with the wrong guy.

Love is not a battlefield. It's supposed to be joyful, exciting, uplifting, full of mutual attraction, affection, consideration, and fun. (Does this mean you'll never have a doubt or a disagreement? No, of course not, but if you're crying more than you're laughing, something is seriously wrong.)

Love is supposed to be you making a special man's happiness your priority. He should be making your happiness his priority (that's where the work comes in; sometimes somebody has to make a sacrifice, and and it shouldn't always be the same somebody).

If your boyfriend often disappoints you, makes you feel less than special, and forces you to work for his affection and attention, you can do better.

Step back. Give yourself time to reconsider whether this person is someone who can make you happy in the long run.

Give yourself the gift of you. In other words, spend time with yourself. Care for yourself. Nurture yourself in the ways that are missing from your relationship. Allow yourself to be happy by yourself.

Decide whether it's time to move on and make room for a man who doesn't expect you to settle for crumbs.

SWR Blog Crawl: If You Feel Good About Yourself, DO IT!

2009-09-24T10:37:00.009-04:00

Today is Day 4 of the first-ever Single Women Rule blog crawl (which is kind of like a pub crawl with blogs instead of pubs), so if this is your first time at Dating Advice (Almost) Daily, I hope you like what you see. Do come back!

It's my good fortune to post this article by Maryanne Comaroto, who says "great relationships come from within." If you've been with me for a while, you know it's a philosophy I live and breathe.

After you finish reading, do yourself a favor and check out Maryanne Live for more resources for creating fulfilling relationships, starting with that all-important relationship yourself.

If You Feel Good About Yourself - DO IT!

By Maryanne Comaroto

Ever notice when you’re with some people, you feel contracted, self-conscious, worried that who you are is somehow flawed or not enough? And then there are other folks, in whose presence you feel just the opposite. You feel relaxed, expanded, closer to the best version of yourself; natural, free and enough! What is it about the first group of people that entices us to still spend time with them? Or – and here's perhaps a more relevant dating question – why in the WORLD would ever choose to get into a relationship with the former? As a matter of fact, this perplexing twist turns out to be as simple as it is complex—and I am inclined to move towards the simple understanding in this moment.

I'll illustrate it with a story from one of my students who recently started dating again. Her self-care practice is stronger than ever. She knows who she is, what she wants and has a relationship plan and tools in her relationship tool belt. She is gainfully employed, has other work filled with her mission and purpose that she is building on the side, lives where she wants, takes care of her body, puts good things in her mind and prays for guidance. But, like all of us, she struggles from time to time when trying to decide who she wants to be with. Like many of us she is still attracted to what looks good and feels good, but perplexed about why that almost always leads to: “Makes me feel bad about myself in the morning.” And even though she has made her list of non-negotiables and written extensively about the character and makeup of her potential partner, she turns into a deer in the headlights when a certain type of person enters the scene. And forgets all that, as though she’s got temporary amnesia.

My student was confronted with just such a perfect example recently when she told me about two men she was attracted to and interested in:

One she had known casually over some years, the other she met randomly (although at the time she believed their meeting was serendipitous.) The first person was handsome, courteous, grounded, and his words were consistent with his actions.
The second gentleman, while their initial meeting was considerably more electric, was not entirely who he made himself out to be. Turns out, while he was interested in getting to know her, he was not available for a relationship, nor did he call when he said he would.

She shared with me the truth about their meeting, and that she could feel how this guy was like the type of guy she was traditionally attracted to. And at the same time as she recognized this, she also saw that she felt bad about herself almost immediately after meeting him. Whereas bachelor number one has been consistent, even and honest. Fortunately, because today she loves herself and wants a great relationship, she snapped out of it.

♥Sometimes we just got give up the flames for the slow burn!!!

I said this was going to be simple and really, honestly, it is.

Is it true these folks that “bring out the worst in us” have something to teach us? Yes. Or that they are mirroring a part of ourselves that perhaps we do not like? Yes, that is also true. Or that you don’t always, every second of the day, love or like who you are, so therefore it would be unrealistic to think that you would feel in love with yourself in this person’s presence every moment you are with them. Also true.

However—and this is a big however—Why choose your primary love relationship to be a battlefield of personal development if you don’t have to? In other words, if you want to “work on your issues” why not deal with your childhood wounds or mom/dad material head-on? You don’t have to find a mate that rings your bells. Go to therapy. Delve deeply into your subconscious mind and free yourself from these imprints, low self-esteem or self-worth issues. You don’t have to spend your precious time with, have sex with, move in with, or marry them.

Changing certain self-defeating behavior is, like I always say, like pulling a jet plane out of a nose dive. But do not fret. With enough persistence and a daily practice of self-love you are sure to eventually prevail and, like so many of us converts, ultimately make better and better relationship choices, in all areas of your life! And I will keep you posted on our hopeful bachelorette!

For more information on my daily practice and the seven essential truths for waking up and staying awake, check out www.maryannelive.com

He Said He Might Marry Her. Then He Disappeared

2009-09-21T14:14:00.005-04:00

Hi Terry,

I've been trying to figure out how to post a question on your blog, but being completely clueless when it comes to blogs, I have no choice but to leave my post as a comment on this one... I hope that's ok?

I am a 34 year old woman (girl?) living in Mumbai, India. After a brief but very painful marriage I found myself building life from ground zero. I've no complaints about my life; it's seriously super. I have a successful business built from scratch, great friends, 3 adorable dogs and as many books as I can read.

But, I've essentially been single since my marriage ended 6 years ago. I'm physically very attractive (credited to good genes), funny, intelligent and an all-round good catch, or so my friends tell me.

I've interacted with a few guys over the years, but nothing really amounted to much. This is mostly in part to my being too needy and clingy around hem, and they being just not worth it.

Now, I've met this perfect man a few days ago. By perfect I mean perfect for ME.

We met, and sat and chatted (and a bit more) till 6:30 am... the next day he called when he said he would, made plans to see my that evening because I was supposed to leave for a holiday the next day.

The holiday didn't happen. But what did is that he talked about how he had given up on meeting someone he wanted to be with, and he had finally met that person (me). He didn't need to look any further now, and really wanted to get to know me, to be with me. Whether that would mean marriage would only be discerned after spending more time together, but he wanted me to know that was committed to at least exploring that option.

Whew! This man has been what I've been looking for in many ways, older than me, well-settled, successful in his own right, sorted in his head, very committed to his sons, fun, well-travelled, well-read... etc etc.

We were to go out Wednesday night with his friends, but he cancelled claiming exhaustion, seeing as both of us had been up for two nights and had been working through the day. We signed off with him saying he'll call me the next day...

It's been two days since then, and there's been no call.

I'm completely thrown by this, as most of the good stuff being said came from him, with no prompting from me. I did talk to him about not being interested in a fling, or being his bit on the side, and he said he understood.

In fact, when I told him that I wasn't leaving for Thailand till next week, he even suggested trying to work things at his end so he could come with me on holiday!

And that's followed by this complete silence. I feel like it's almost a test of some sort, to see if I freak out and get manic and call him 10 times, or then he needs space to think things, maybe he feels he's said too much.

I dont know!

I don't want to call him or text him... I just feel like that wouldn't be a good move... Call it instinct.

What would you say? I'd love some impersonal advice, and yours seems to always be spot on :-)

Thanks a ton,
C.

Dear C.-

First off, thanks for the kind words, and it's fine to leave a question in comments. You can also email questions to terry(at)marrysmart.com.

Your instincts are correct. Do not text or call this guy. He made the unbidden proclamation about you being the woman he's been waiting for, so let him pick up the phone.

You sound extremely self-aware when you say that your former relationships broke up because you were too clingy. This is a great thing to know because next time around, you can easily alter this behavior with a bit of self-control.

But, back to this guy, whom you didn't cling to: He seemed great. He looked great. Smelled great. Said all the right things. And then promptly disappeared.

I understand you must be incredibly disappointed. I mean, what a letdown. On the other hand, if he hasn't re-emerged with an excellent reason for his disappearance by now, he may have done you a favor. I don't know what his intentions were, of course, or if he scared himself.

All I know is that he said he was open to considering the possibility of marriage with you, AND HE'D ONLY JUST MET YOU.

Listen, if some guy I met last Wednesday told me he was open to the possibility of marrying me, I'd tell him:

"I don't even know you."

You don't know this Prince Charming who only seems to be "sorted in his head." And he doesn't know you. His comments about discerning whether he'd marry you one day would be considered presumptuous in the United States. Are they usual for men in India?

Whether the answer is yes or no, I'm going to ask you to be more discerning. When a man you just met tells you you're the one he's been waiting for, take a big step back, raise your eyebrow and say, "Oh, yeah? Why do you think so?"

(Furthermore, why is he presuming that you're going to jump into his arms when he tells you this?)

This is your life we're talking about here.

And look, you say you have a full life. You have good friends, a business of your own, and lots of good books. I know you want a good man at your side, so please hold out for him.

You sound as if you have a great deal to offer, and some man will be very lucky to have you. Don't allow yourself to be distracted by presumptuous characters who are all talk and no action.

She Doesn't Want to Seem Too Eager

2009-09-16T12:24:00.003-04:00

Hi Terry,

I have to say, after reading your (amazing!) e-book I feel like I've opened Pandora's box haha!. Seriously though, all my wishes and desires are manifesting almost magically and I couldn't be happier. So as to stay on the right track, I have a question about pacing.

I know that Mimi Tanner advocates going slow and playing "hard to get". I completely understand the thinking/purpose behind that in the long run. Here's my question, what do you say when you are newly dating a guy (about 1 month), have yet to have the relationship/exclusivity talk, and he begins asking questions about your past and/or feelings about marriage/kids etc.

Specifically, he is asking about my past marriage. My thoughts are to place things in a positive light and cite it as a learning experience. Of course, I don't want to seem anti-marriage in ANY way as I certainly AM NOT but I also don't want to seem too eager with someone so new. Do you see where I'm coming from? Please tell me Terry, how do I navigate these waters successfully and with grace?

Thank you SO much....I look forward to hearing your advice!

All the best,

Graceful

Dear Graceful-

Thanks for the kind and encouraging words. They mean a great deal to me.

I think your instincts are right. Do place your former marriage in a positive light and say that you learned from it. There's nothing eager about being clear about the fact that you're open to the possibility of getting married again, but you could say, "The next time I do it, I want it to be right. I learned a lot the last time around." And if you hope to have children one day, say so.

You're not telling the guy, "I WANT TO MARRY YOU. I WANT TO BE THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN!" You're merely saying you're open to the idea of getting married to the right person in the future.

I hope this helps.

Terry

He Asked Her to Be 'Exclusive,' and Now He's Backing Off

2009-09-14T12:37:00.003-04:00

Hi Terry!

I have scored the most perfect Prince Charming ever! The first couple months went great (it was all like you said - HE did everything! Decided for us to become exclusive, even started talking about marriage within the first month of dating) but as with all my relationships - a couple months later (about the 10 month point for this one) and the infatuation phase runs out. I know you say that backing off and giving him space will make him come back on his own and return as someone that wants you to be exclusive with him. But in my situation we're already exclusive! And he's still pulled back! Is there any advice for this? Is this normal?

PLEASE HELP!

-Exclusive

Dear Exclusive-

My heart goes out to you now because obviously you're hurt and confused.

Even though he asked to be exclusive, is it possible that he's come to take you for granted?

In other words, have you given him a reason to take you for granted? Have you ever broken plans with your friends to be with him? Do you call him or text him often? (I don't care if you're a man or a woman; too-frequent contact is a romance killer.) Are you doing too much for him? Making his dinner all the time, picking up his dry cleaning, returning his library books?

If so, you're not making yourself indispensible. You're smothering him.

If this is the case, please do yourself a favor and take a step back. Start filling your time with friends. Go out for drinks for colleagues. Let him be the adult he is and take care of his own laundry, meals, etc. Let him do some things for you. Men like to do things for women. They enjoy giving things to women. If you've taken those particular life's pleasures from him, please stop.

If you back off for a while, and he steps forward again, remember this: Being an exclusive couple is great, but your boyfriend was attracted to you because of YOU-- who you are, what you do, how you think, what makes you laugh, and so on. If you allow yourself to be half of a couple instead of a full person in a dynamic, loving relationship, you lose yourself.

And he loses you,

Without a complete picture of your relationship, my best suggestion is to return to being the full woman the man fell in love with; if you have any preconceived notions about how a full-time girlfriend is to behave (aside from kindly, honestly, and faithfully), please drop them.

Be the girl you used to be.

Good luck.

Terry

She Worries About American Women

2009-09-08T14:25:00.004-04:00

Dear Terry:

It disturbs me how much American women just LIVE for the big wedding day .. and being MARRIED. There is more to life than bouquets, champagne toasts, and a white dress and a wedding night.

After that -- comes LIFE. Kids, or infertility problems, or babies' deaths, or unemployment, or hurricanes and houses lost...

I LOVE your messages so don't get me wrong. You mean well. But there IS more in this life then THE BIG WEDDING day and getting a ring on your finger. This is not life.

Life is a committed, sane partner and even if there's no officially expensive big fiesta, it is good all the same. Why are American women so flipping OBSESSED with snaring a man "for life"?

The statistics recently show than 50% of marriages (first time) don't last ... And over 60% of 2nd marriages don't either.

We could maybe focus more on building a GREAT relationship, maybe a recomposed family etc without putting so much accentuation on THE RING...

Just food for thought :) Be good and enjoy your weekend !!

-Concerned Reader

Dear Concerned,

Thanks for writing.

I've been married for 17 years, so I do know that marriage is not all about champagne and engagement rings. Those things will never make anyone happy for very long. (I don't usually mention weddings or rings in my emails, and I didn't in the one to which you refer.)

My message is for women who want to be happy, and to be happy they've got to decide to enjoy life with or without a man. They have to be whole people, not half a person searching for that elusive other half. Let's face it; we're all responsible for our own happiness. That's why I hope to help some women to stop settling for less than they deserve in a relationship.

I've found that it's not just American women who obsess about getting married (and they obsess about getting married because society still mantains that a woman needs a man to be considered successful, which is a load of bunk in my opinion). I get mail from plenty of women in the UK and other places, too.

I also write for a website called SingleWomenRule.com, which is devoted to helping women enjoy everything life has to offer whether or not the 'knight in shining armor' ever shows up.

Thanks again for sharing your perspective. I do appreciate it.

-Terry

She Thinks She Has a Problem With Men

2009-09-02T12:37:00.009-04:00

Hi, Terry-

Thanks for your emails. I’d really appreciate some advice from you.

I think I have a problem with guys – they always seem to be intimidated by me, no matter how hard I try to show them I’m an ordinary person. One problem I have, if you can call it a problem, is that I’m very intelligent. I was educated in the best universities and I’ve been a lecturer at a good university for the last three years.

When guys first meet me, they seem interested and ask me out. After we go out a few times, either they get scared off and slowly disappear or they stick around but become very careful with me and give me mixed signals. Too scared to kiss me, waiting for me to make the first move – which I never do because I think that’s the man’s job. I’m very traditional. This is sometimes prolonged. They flirt with me, take me out, call me a lot but when it’s time to show romantic interest, they play the ‘we are just friends’ card. This happened to me many times. Or I’m told ‘you are too nice, I don’t want to hurt you’ or that ‘if I go out with you, you’d be demanding and want serious commitment’. Or I’m told ‘I was never sure you were interested’, even though I may tell them and/or spend time going out with them a lot…

I know some of the guys I dated (if you can describe this behaviour as dating), felt very inferior and tried to put me down to show who is the man. They went on to find girlfriends they were more comfortable with (usually, less educated than them).

Another problem I have is that men never think I’m single. I’ve been told ‘you don’t act as if you are looking for someone’ or that ‘you are too good looking to be single/go out with me/date normal men’. Again, all this is rubbish.

Yes, I’m a clever, serious and hardworking person but I’m also very sociable and make friends very easily. I've always had many good male friends. So I don’t understand why this is happening to me all the time and men can't see me as a girlfriend. If anything, I think I’m actually too nice to men I like and I tolerate a lot, apart from jumping into bed with them. I want to wait to be in a serious relationship before I do that.

I’m not sure if that’s the problem at the end of the day – them feeling I’m not about to sleep with them without them putting in some effort. But I think I deserve the extra effort (extra being what every girl would want – not talking about spending money on me).

Sorry to go on like this. I’d be interested to hear what you have to say. I don’t know if this is of relevance, but I was brought up in a country different from the one I live and work. So that makes me a foreigner I guess.

-Too Smart For My Own Good?

Dear Smart-

Right off the bat, I'll tell you I am not as smart as you, haven't been to the best universities (although I did go to a decent one) and haven't taught at any, either.

Yet, on more than one occasion I came across a guy who'd tell me, "You're too smart." On one particular occasion, a dude told me, "You're very bright and attractive, but I'm looking for someone I can mold."

Seriously. He said that.

It goes without saying that I'd prefer not to date (or marry) any person who needs to mold me or who finds my intelligence intimidating. Life is too short to hang out with morons.

That said, I'd been told by some people that I could be perceived as "hard to get to know," "snobbish," and having a "superior attitude." The fact of the matter is that I was none of these things. I was shy, and it took me a while to learn not to stiffen up around people. I've always found it easier to be the person asking questions of other people, rather than have them ask them about me. And while it's true nobody wants to hang around some bore who goes on and on about herself, we do have to reveal some details about ourselves if people are ever going to feel close to us.

You say you come from a different culture than the one you're currently living in, and it's possible something is indeed getting lost in translation. But you make friends easily, and a lot of those friends are men. Would you feel comfortable saying to one of them, "You know, I'd really like to meet someone special, but I seem to have trouble getting things off the ground. Is there some advice you could give me?"

You may be embarrassed to ask for help, but people are usually glad to give it to you (and flattered that you asked).

When a man tells you you're too good looking to date, or that you don't appear to be looking for someone, put the ball back in his court. Look him in the eye, smile, and say, "Why do you say that?"

Let him tell you. His answer should tell you everything you need to know (whether he's got serious insecurity issues, for example, or if you seem unapproachable).

You say that you're too nice to guys sometimes and put up with too much. What are you putting up with, exactly? When you let a person treat you less than well, they come away with the impression that you're not much of a catch, no matter how smart or good-looking you are.

This may be why some men tell you "you're too nice," or that they expect you'll demand a commitment if they keep seeing you.

So...

I'm wondering if you're not smiling enough, being playful enough when you first meet a guy. And then, when you start dating him and things start to progress, you put up with too much nonsense, which lowers your value (think about it: when a guy accepts bad treatment, do you value him?).

I haven't seen you in action, so I'm just throwing things out here. You're attractive, smart, and make friends easily, so you definitely have what it takes to attract a great guy and enjoy a lasting relationship.

One more thing: Guys who need to let you know who "the man" is should be dismissed immediately. Right: You're a woman, and he's a man. That's a given. None of us should be marching around having to prove our gender all damn day.

A guy who's threatened by you in any way for any reason is a bad bet. We are what we are. We want to be loved for who we are.

How's this for an affirmation?

"I, _________________, am happily married to a loyal, loving, fun man who loves me just as I am and is thrilled by my intelligence."

Tweak it, if you like. Then, using all your senses, bring that man and that relationship to life in your imagination. It'll be sketchy at first, but with perseverance, details will fill themselves in. Keep bringing that relationship to life in your imagination several times a day.

I've asked my colleague, Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan, to weigh in on this question, so please watch the comments for her take.

Readers, if you have any suggestions for our friend, I'd love to hear them.

Surviving a Break-Up

2009-09-01T12:56:00.003-04:00

A reader wrote to recommend the following video, in which makeup artist Kandee Johnson gives advice on getting over an ex. Kandee's tips apply to both men and women, and it doesn't matter how old you are, either.

It's good stuff. Check it out:

Online Dating: When Should He Offer to Pick Her Up?

2009-08-31T11:32:00.004-04:00

Hi Terry!

I read your book, began visualizing, listing, etc., and lo and behold a seemingly nice guy has materialized (wow!). Ok, so my question is, since we met online, how many times should we meet (drive to our meeting spot separately) before I can expect him to offer to pick me up? Also, how do I even approach this? Ideally, shouldn't he be offering this at some point? Please let me know your thoughts.....thanks Terry!

-The Going's Good

Hi, Going-

Congratulations on meeting a seemingly nice guy!

Okay, it's possible that this fellow will be the one for you, but it's also possible that he's a dress rehearsal for someone even better.

So...

Drive separately to meet him in some public place until you are convinced that he really and truly is a "nice guy" and worthy of your time. Play it by ear. If things go well, I imagine that he'd suggest that you travel together after a few good dates.

Please don't put any pressure on yourself or on the situation for him to be "the one." Keep affirming and visualizing. Enjoy yourself, be yourself, and don't limit yourself until you're sure that any man is the right man for you.

In other words, keep your options open.

Thinking very good thoughts for you,
Terry

She's Waiting For a Man to Get a Divorce and Marry Her

2009-08-26T11:37:00.004-04:00

Hi, Terry-

I liked your book. It's simple and straightforward in the good sense.

I love it that you dispelled the American cultural myth of the men shortage. Before I came to America, I'd never heard of it either so I could very much relate to your Irish friend.

I have a question about my situation. I'm in my forties (yikes) and have been dating a great man for almost 2 years. I do want to get married and preferably to him because we've had a wonderful time and I love and like him a lot. He's separated, living in his own place, and says he wants to be with me for the rest of my life. He talks about future plans with me. But he still hasn't filed for divorce. He left her and the only contact they have is about the son. Even his mom who likes me asked him about the progress and wasn't very pleased that he had not taken any steps. Life threw a curveball, his son got very sick a month ago, and now he says that his plan had been to finalize his divorce this summer, and now it has to wait. And now he says it will be October until he gets to it. His son is still pretty ill and my bf is very stressed and occupied by this.

Now my part. I've let him know a year ago that I did want to get married. I get very down because I despair of his lack of actions. I'm too afraid to bring it up, probably because I think what he says are all excuses why he doesn't file for his divorce (you read that in all the books on dating, The Rules, it's always an excuse). I've been betrayed before and it does color how I see the situation and I might not be seeing it accurate. I also read too many scary advice emails, The Rules, and everything on the planet that makes it sound that getting married is more difficult than anything a woman could ever accomplish.

He brings up the status of his divorce progress repeatedly (I've asked him about it once) but it might just be out of guilt because he knows it's not right to put it off any longer. I never talk about the future or getting married. Should I? It's really not the same as the man doing it for me. I'm hopelessly confused. I want to get married because it's saying yes to being there for each other, to building a life together and I just can't give myself away to a man that doesn't give me this level of commitment. If he's as crazy about me as he says, then I don't get it that he doesn't move forward. My first husband married me within 3 weeks. In hindsight out of fear someone else would. Do I make it too easy on my bf by never saying anything? He's says all the right things and does the right things (calling me, planning dates), I'm his soulmate, etc. but without the action to get his divorce handled. what does it mean? Every time he says it now, I feel down and think "we'll see."

I'm confused and don't know what to do. I do have a life of my own, I seldom call him (I just can't, it feels better when he calls me), at my age I don't have men swarming around me but men do flirt with me occassionaly. According to the Rules it should progress but I don't feel it does. My fear of being betrayed which is a childhood thing doesn't help seeing what's going on. Let me know what you think. Have I given him the message he can be with me without marrying me? Thanks.

-Waiting

Dear Waiting-

Let me just say I don't think you've given him the "wrong message" about having you without being married to you. I don't think you're giving him a message at all.

A year ago, you told him you wanted to get married, but since then, you haven't brought it up. I don't care what The Rules says; this is your life we're talking about here, and you do have a right to communicate your feelings.

For all this man knows, you're not all that interested in getting married. You rarely call him, you don't make dates, and you've been trained by books like The Rules to say nothing and do nothing.

Yes, he could be making excuses. He may have no intentions of ever divorcing, and maybe all his proclamations about you being his soulmate are hot air. But how are you to know?

The next time he tells you how you light up his sky, why don't you say to him, "You know, I feel the same way about you. I'd like to build a life with you. How do you feel about it?"

Then listen. Watch his hands, his eyes, and open your ears. If he gives you another excuse, then it might be time to pull back a bit, not out of some manipulative The Rules way, but out of self-protection.

This means that you can be there for him some of the time, particularly now while he deals with the stress of his child's illness, but not all the time. Occasionally, when he calls to get together, you should be able to tell him you've already made plans. Fill your time with nourishing activities, whether it's going out with friends, going to a yoga class, catching a ballet by yourself, seeing a comedy. Whatever.

It's not necessary to break up with the guy, but it is a good idea to keep him at arm's length until he figures out what he wants to do with himself.The bonus? If he figures out he doesn't intend to get a divorce, you can settle further into an increasingly comfortable new reality that doesn't include him.

As for you being in your forties, big deal. If you're feeling less attractive about it, then by all means, find a new interest. Learn a new language or something. Learning is the fountain of youth, and developing new interests gives your life another fascinating facet, and it helps keep your mind off you-know-who.

Also: Your betrayal issues. If you find they're holding your back (I'm no psychiatrist, but is it possible that part of the attraction to this guy is the fact that he's not divorced, and therefore you don't really have to worry about a betrayal?), please seek the help of a good licensed therapist.

And, whatever you do, please stop reading The Rules (or any other book that make attracting a good husband sound impossible). The authors do have a point about not being overly available (everybody wants to work a little; women want to work a little for men, too), but the business about not returning calls is complete nonsense.

To me, it all comes down to treating the other person as you would have him treat you. Then ask yourself if he's treating you as you would treat him. If the answer is yes, great. If not, it's time to make an adjustment.

How Does She Get Over Him?

2009-08-25T13:32:00.004-04:00

Dear Terry,

I've a huge crush on this friend of mine. We initially met online through a music community we both signed up for.

He recently got divorced few months back,and is shattered by it. He got serious in his pursuit for music only after his divorce, and he has a great career in singing now, apart from being a manager during the day.

He said he'd like to marry again in the next year or two, but it doesn't matter who the girl is going to be, 'coz his first love will always be music because music is his first priority in life (he sings very well with a very beautiful and mesmerizing voice).

I'm not fine with being that 'any girl', as I've lot of great traits which could be cherished by a noble man who has a balanced life, and to whom family life is also a top priority.

His haunting voice is taking its toll on me now, and I don't want to think about him anymore. I think I'm on the right track, but I'm not sure how to get over him. He's a famous celebrity now in my city and gives performances that I always made it a routine to see to make my week-ends joyful.

I sometimes hate music now when I talk to him, didn't have any closure as we're only 'friends.' But I can tell he likes spending a lot of time with me and is attracted to me.

Can you please give me some advice on getting over him? Do I have to break the friendship to get over him?

-Keep Me Anonymous

Dear Keep Me-

You've made a decision to get over him, which puts you ahead of the game. A lot of us want to get over a guy but are not remotely interested in making the effort it requires (forcing attractive thoughts of him out of our heads, for example, and staying away from places we might find him).

You say you want a noble man who will cherish your very good qualities, and here you are ahead again: You know what you want and what you have to offer. You know you deserve better than a man who thinks he might marry again in a year or two to some girl or another.

The thing is, you say he's been through a bad divorce. He's been traumatized, and either he's going to take steps to make himself strong enough to be vulnerable again, or he isn't. Right now, it sounds like he'd rather immerse himself in the safety of his music.

Unfortunately, his music seems to be where you find him most attractive. It pains me to say it, but you're going to have to stay away from his performances until you get over him. You're going to have to force the mesmerizing sound of his voice out of your mind.

For the sake of your own happiness, I don't think you can be his friend right now. You're attracted to this guy, and the fact that he's attracted to you isn't making life any easier.

The weekend will soon be upon us, and he'll be onstage once again. Where will you be? Please make a fun plan now, so that you don't find yourself tempted to watch him perform. (I imagine it will be tough to have fun your first few times out, but it will get easier.)

Better yet, pull out a calendar and make plans for every weekend for the foreseeable future.

You know what you want. Please go for it.

Terry

The Woodstock Couple, 40 Years Later

2009-08-13T14:44:00.006-04:00

What a great story. Check it out.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

It's Raining Men

2009-08-12T11:26:00.005-04:00

Dear Terry,

I am findng that I am starting to attract kinder, more spiritual guys which is wonderful. The problem is I am still very cautious.

I am fearful that I will follow the practices in [your] book and choose the man of my dreams that may not be the "perfect guy for *me*", but the guy I *think* is right for me. Yet, how often in life am I surprised by how things turn out, things that did not go according to plan, only to find out I am very happy. How do we know that what we want for ourselves is best? Can we trust that?

Does it come from dating and seeing what we like and what we don't? There are a few men in my life that just sort of appeared. I had been waiting and waiting, and then all of the sudden 3 at once! Now what do I do? I am a one woman type of gal and am looking for a potential partner. I suppose I am jumping to conclusions. I don't even know what these guys are looking for. I am relying on my intution, but I don't know if I can trust it and well. I guess I am just confused!

Thanks, Terry. I hope that made sense.

Brightest blessings,

S.-

Hello, S.-

You're a one-man woman who's in a very good position: Three seemingly kind and spiritually-minded men have come out of the woodwork.

You wonder if you can trust your instincts. Well, sure. Sometimes. It's important to heed your intuition but not to rely on it exclusively. That's where experience comes in.

Which means you date these three guys and whoever else comes along. You spend time with them until you know who's the real deal and who isn't. The only thing you owe any man right now is honesty. You don't have to marry anybody.

You say you don't know what any of these men wants, anyway. Get to know them, and you're bound to find out.

Take the pressure off. Don't overthink this stuff.

The benefit of dating (and of socializing in general) is that, as you get to know people, you also get to know yourself. You become surer of what will make you happy in the long run.

I hope this helps.

When He Says He Needs Space

2009-08-10T10:17:00.004-04:00

I apologize again for not posting as frequently as usual lately. I also apologized two months ago, and I'm still having trouble getting my act together. In addition to some other writing projects, I'm dealing with eye strain from sitting too much in front of a computer.

If anybody can give me some advice on how to deal with it, I'd really appreciate it. It's not good for productivity.

Somebody left the following comment on a previous post, How to Win Him Back:

This article is helpful, but I don't know how to be strong...

My boyfriend of 4 1/2 years, my first and ONLY anything, just broke up with me yesterday and I don't know how to deal. He said he needed "space" to find himself, which I know is true... but I can't seem to understand why he needs me to be out of the picture... this is so tragic...

And I say, yeah, it's definitely tragic when someone we love turns around after a number of happy dates, weeks, months, or years, and says, "I need space," but let me tell you: The best thing you can do is give him space.

(Just so you know, I've been there, and I really, really feel for you right now.)

If you call him, text him, IM him to implore him to remember the good times and plead with him to tell you exactly when things turn a wrong turn, it will only drive him further away.

(Once again, I've been there.)

Think about it. If you've ever been in the position where you're being pursued by someone you're not sure of at the moment, does it make him more or less attractive if he keeps pursuing you after you've politely asked him to back off?

It's entirely possible that the man in this scenario just needs time to figure out what he wants. It's possible he'll decide he wants this relationship to continue. It's possible that he'll decide he doesn't.

But the only way to know for sure is to give him what he's asked for: Space. In the meantime, ask yourself what's the worst thing that could happen here (he won't come back?). If he chooses not to come back, please be open to the possibility that better things lie ahead for you.

While you let him enjoy his space, make a point of enjoying yours. This means reaquainting yourself with the people, places, and things that made you happy that may have fallen by the wayside over the past four years. It means discovering new interests and making new friends. Most of all, it means taking excellent care of yourself.

I wish you every happiness.

Radiating 'Specialness' to Attract Men

2009-07-31T10:19:00.005-04:00

Hi Terry,

I love reading your somewhat daily e-mails and respect your opinion and advice. However, I recently located to a new city and state and have no idea what and where the hot spots are. Therefore, I am tempted to explore on-line dating. Do you have an opinion or any advice on creating profiles that radiate specialness and good qualities? Thanks. -A.

Hi, A.-

Internet dating is a great way to meet new people, but before you do anything, it's imperative that you know what kind of man you hope to meet before you sign up for any service.

This means sitting down and asking yourself, "What qualities does a man need for me to be a) attracted to him (very important) and b) joyful and happy in a relationship?"

A recently divorced woman did just this, perused the Internet profiles for a while, and ended up being introduced to a guy who met the most important specifications she came up with before she even joined a service. They're dating very happily, and things are looking very good for this relationship!

Does this mean you'll write a list, and Prince Charming will pop out of thin air? No, but it does mean you'll be much more likely to recognize him when he does show up. (And, because you're conditioning your subconscious to believe this man exists and is part of your life, it means he's MUCH more likely to show up.)

Writing a list worked for this woman, and it worked for me and countless others.

After you've written the list of qualities HE should have, write a list of YOUR very best qualities. Are you attractive? Well, so is just about everybody else writing a profile (or so they claim). Are you kind? Honest? Funny?

Okay, now we're getting somewhere. Are you athletic or bookish (or both?) Be specific about what you're looking for, as well:

"Kind-hearted, attractive woman who loves laughing, white-water rafting, and good wine seeks honest, fun-loving man for adventure and possible LTR."

And, remember, just because you're in a new state doesn't mean you won't meet a great guy at the dry cleaner's, the supermarket, or the post office. If your new town has a popular coffee house, become a regular there (our local cafe features a free jazz night, and it's hugely popular with people of all ages).

But, before you leave the house, do write that list. It can make the difference between success and failure in meeting Mr. Right!

Great Cheap Date Ideas

2009-07-29T11:25:00.004-04:00

Jim Wang of Bargaineering ran a list of ideas for cheap dates on his very excellent blog, which offers all kinds of tips for making the most of your money and your life.

His date suggestions are great for couples, but they should also work for singles who want to open themselves to the possibility of meeting new people.

Is He Worth It?

2009-07-21T16:26:00.005-04:00

Dear Terry,

Love your blog and your perception of the bleedingly obvious..so hope you can help me.

I will keep it brief..I visualised and met the most amazing man..so good so far..except that he had a breakdown..and chose to deal with this on his own. He distanced himself from me by basically disappearing without giving me much of an explanation.

This was a year ago..since then he has written to me via email to apologise an offer an explanation. He has now divorced, overcome his depression with medication/psychotherapy and seems to be in a good emotional space.

After no contact for nearly a year, we arranged to meet recently. It was so good to see him again, but I was surprised to hear he is now seeing someone else. He painted a picture that said he was not that happy with this new woman. I came away feeling hurt that he chose to move on with someone else when we had a great thing going before his breakdown.

He was very interested to know if I was seeing anyone. I told him the truth that I was dating a few men at the moment, but nothing serious.

I feel I have maintained my dignity and been gracious throughout our year of no contact. He apologised and says he feels ashamed of how he acted. He wants to be friends now.

I like to always keep the door open, and to just let life flow. But another part of me wonders why he not only let me go..but pretty quickly moved onto someone else.

Have I answered my own question?

-Keep Me Anonymous

Hi, Anonymous-

A couple of things strike me about this "amazing" man:

He disappeared, got psychological help, divorced, and then resurfaced to inform you that he's got a new woman in his life, and he's not really happy with her.

Huh?

I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he was separated (and that his wife was aware of the arrangement) when he started dating you. If I'm wrong, I dislike him immensely.

I get it that you were really, really attracted to this guy (otherwise, you wouldn't describe him as amazing), but you have to know you deserve so much better than this. Yeah, I'm sorry the guy had a breakdown, but what about the rest of it?

And now he want to be friends, but is he capable of being a friend (I don't know the answer to this, but you probably have a hunch)? Before you let him into your airspace again, ask yourself if it's worth it.

Being a friend means having someone you can share a laugh with, but it also means taking care of that other person. It means occasionally having to listen to them cry about their problems when you might rather be doing something else.

I'm sure I don't have to tell you that, but will you end up having to tell him? Is he truly worthy of your time? Is he worthy of the time of the new woman he claims to be less than excited about?

I do think you answered your own question.

She's Visualizing Love But Getting No Takers

2009-07-17T10:30:00.004-04:00

Hi Terry,

I've been practicing your visualization techniques daily (quite enjoyably I might say) and have no problem with that part. Here's the question, why is it that I get so few responses from men through online dating? I've posted what seems to me to be an inviting profile, but it seems that whenever I approach men I'm interested in...poof...nothing! It's puzzling as well as frustrating to say the least. Any tips you could share with me Terry?

Many Thanks!

-Puzzled

Dear Puzzled-

My best guess is that the men you're approaching are not the men you want to attract. In other words, if you're visualizing (and feeling) a happy relationship with a man who embodies certain qualities, it's quite possible that the men you've encountered so far are not that man.

When you decide what you want (as you have) and visualize it (as you are doing regularly), you are sending out a signal. The men you mention are not picking up that signal because it's not meant for them.

It's meant for someone else, who is out there, and who may or may not be profiled on an Internet dating site. For all you know, you could meet him at the dry cleaner's.

So keep visualizing and keep the faith. Sometimes people decide what they want, and it shows up right away. For others, it will take more time. Go about your day happily, knowing that the one you want is on his way to you.

(A frequent commenter, Jokah McPherson, made a good observation about attraction. Click here to read it.)

I'm thinking very good thoughts for you.

Leverage Your Inborn Attraction Skills

2009-07-13T15:22:00.004-04:00

That's the advice Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan offers her clients. On her blog today, she tells you how to do it, too.

Click here to read all about it.

How to Visualize to Attract the Right Relationship

2009-07-06T09:13:00.004-04:00

Dear Terry,

I have a question about using visualization to attract the right relationship, and I guess many women will face the same challenge I do.

I do use this tool often, and I try to feel the emotion as well that accompanies the picture. However I catch myself becoming actually more "obsessed" about finding the images in reality (that means the perfect partner) than I would be without doing the exercises.

For example if someone announces a barbecue or a party I immediately think(unconsciously actually) ..." maybe I will meet THE guy there", " maybe someone interesting will come, who has a brother or a sister who knows a man, that is just right for me.." being in this quest to find the materialized image, I sometimes have great troubles in deciding- if going to a certain event is right or not, if I could possibly miss something (or someone!). What I want to say is I think about this whole relationship issue much more than I would be doing without visualization.

Then there are people who say, "you attract everything you don't need" and "the more you want it the less you will have it."

Great, I say to myself. It's not possible to fulfill ALL your needs yourself. My friends just cannot give me the need for love and erotics I need and miss. So, how can you do your visualization, obviously wanting what you don't have yet, without wanting it too much and thus actually repelling what you want? hope I am not too cryptic. :-)

I must mention as well that I am definitely a woman who has her own interests, follows them with passion, and many men actually think that I know exactly what I want out of life (which is definitely not true all the time).

So, I believe I am a most of the time very happy person. But still I don't meet many men and especially since some time, men who seem to be compatible with me. Could you help and tell me what I could change?

-Visualizer

Dear Visualizer-

Great question.

First off, relax. Those maxims about wanting things and not getting them? Forget them. Let's keep things simple.

The cool thing about visualization is that it conditions your subconscious to believe that an incident has actually happened, whether you're visualizing hitting the winning point in a basketball championship or a joyful relationship.

When a champion basketball player shows up on court, he doesn't ask himself if wanting to make a winning shot will cost him the game. If he didn't want it, he would't be much use to his team, would he? Wanting is good.

Presumably, you want a happy relationship with a man who makes you laugh and perhaps whom you can grow old with. There are probably other things you want from this relationship, too, and that's good. Define what you want.

Then, when you visualize, start with the feeling you'd experience if you were in that relationship. What does it feel like to love and be loved? Feel that feeling.

When you go out, the key is to merely put yourself where the right person will find you. If you're visualizing (bringing to mind the emotions you'd feel if that relationship you rightly want truly exists -- and it's excitement and joy you're feeling, not stress and the fear of doing things wrong), you will become attractive to the relationships you visualize.

In other words, you leave the house, attend the barbecues, go to the dry cleaners, but you don't look for evidence of your visualizations. You just go out and have a good time. You don't expect anything.

Oh, yeah, and if for some reason you can't make the barbecue (or whatever), don't stress about it. You won't have missed 'the one.' Figure he wasn't going to be there anyway. Figure that he's out there, and he'll catch up with you somewhere else.

That's what we mean by being unattached to the outcome. You want something, you're bringing it to life in your imagination, and then you go happily about your day. Sure, you may meet 'the one' at the next barbecue, or you may meet a person who'll introduce him to you, but you don't count on it.

Because you might not meet him at the barbecue. You might meet him while you're walking your dog or doing your laundry or buying a cup of coffee. Who knows?

Seriously, relax. Visualize, and put yourself out there. Have fun.

You say you're a happy person with her own interests, who appears to know what she wants out of life (which you say is not always true, but here's a secret: A lot of people have no idea what they want out of life, so you're doing pretty well).

I hope I've been clear here.

Self-Help for the Wronged Woman

2009-07-02T13:43:00.002-04:00

The New York Times' Maureen Dowd wrote a funny and instructive piece for women who find themselves married to adulterous male politicians (sure have been a lot of them lately; makes me wonder if female politicians are equally adulterous but smarter about not getting caught).

Some tips from Maureen:

"Skip the press conference, especially when your husband is copping to call girls, gay pickups in airport bathrooms or “tragic” and “forbidden” telenovela-style love stories. Stoicism at the skunk’s side is overrated and, as Larry Craig’s wife learned, sunglasses don’t help."

"High-powered women like Hillary, Elizabeth and Jenny who give up their careers to focus on their husbands’ ambitions feel doubly betrayed. But it’s not your husband’s fault if you sacrifice more for the relationship than he does. Like an investor in a down market, you took a risk without a guarantee it would pay off. If you make your husband your career and you lose your husband, you lose your career, too."

Check out the rest of the article here.

She Wants to Pay for Dates

2009-06-29T09:36:00.005-04:00

Dear Terry,

I've a question about the initial "dating jitters." I meet guys locally, but I also date online.

I met a guy online, talked for 3-4 days over email and phone, and agreed to go out on a date. We live in different places, and we even had an informal talk about one of us moving to his/my city if things really got so far, based on the kind of jobs we might get. So far, so good.

He came over on a weekend, he had the flight ticket and hotel booked for him. I insisted on at least paying for the dinner locally and for tickets to concerts, tourist attractions here, and surprisingly even the waitress/waiter would say 'let the gentleman pay ma'am' (when I told him I'd pay, he still took his credit card out, and the waitress would take his all the time).

He said he's getting embarrassed before the waiters 'coz I wanted to share the expenses, and strongly insisted on me to not take out my credit card the next time.

Turned out, we both didn't feel we're right for each other after the date (we had different interests, he's type A, and I'm not and other such things and we had no chemistry intellectually or emotionally (we didn't get physical, though he made an gentle advance, I didnt give any encouragement). Anyway, we both called it off. After our date, I thanked him for taking me out, and offered to pay my share of the expenses, and he gently said it's okay. After few times, I couldn't drag it further.

Whatever it is, his income is irrelevant to me, and we're still two new people on a date. I still don't get it, he paid for a very major portion, flight and the hotel. Am I supposed to leave everything to the guy ?

(Even if it's a local guy- I'd genuinely offer to pay but the guys feel a little embarrassed that I insist sometimes, if he pays on 1st date, I insist to pay on 2nd ) which is sometimes refused and mostly not.

Contrary to this, few years ago, I went out on a date with a man who would always make me pay on dates, he got on to my nerves 'coz I wanted him to pay sometimes too, though not all the time ] - If I do that to a guy, won't he feel the same way I felt with the guy who let me spend all the time.

Interestingly, I read dating advice everywhere that, if a man doesn't pay on a date, or agrees to share expenses with you, he's not worth it blah blah. How true is that ?

This boils down to the question: Who's supposed to pay on dates in general? Is it okay ( 'coz I feel a little guilty - out of feeling, in case this doesn't work out, it's like the guy spent a lot of money on our dates which isnt that fair, you wouldn't always know it'd work and it's easy not to feel guilty to say NO to dating a guy just 'coz u feel obligated.)

Is it okay when the guys pay it all, all the time?

Your advice is greatly appreciated.

-Money to Spend

Dear Money-

I understand why you want to pay for dates. You're a considerate person. You're fair-minded. You don't want to hit anyone up for a free meal.

And a lot of guys claim they want a woman to pay, at least some of the time. But when you actually try to pay for one of them, lines blur, and they get confused: Maybe she's trying to tell me she's not interested.

So you let them pay for the first and second date. If you feel uncomfortable, you can casually say (after dinner, for instance), "I'm having such a great time. Would it be okay if I bought you a drink?" This way he knows you enjoy his company, but you're not on the prowl for a meal ticket.

If he says yes, great. Buy that drink. But if he insists on getting it, let him.

It comes as no mystery to me why you felt compelled to offer to split expenses after your date spent so much time and money coming to visit you (I would have felt the same way), but when a guy insists on paying, do yourself a favor and let him.

Console yourself with the probability that if the relationship shows promise, you will have plenty of opportunity to pay for him after, say, a third or fourth date, when you're both standing on surer ground.

If the idea letting him pay still sticks in your craw, remember this: Most women only earn about 72% of a man's salary for doing the same job. We get charged more for haircuts and drycleaning. So, let a man right the scales once in a while.

You're clearly not the type of woman who takes men for cash and prizes, so cut yourself some slack. Also, remember, letting a man for a date in no way obligates you to "get physical" with him, and any man who suggests otherwise would be better off hiring a hooker. He's kidding himself if he thinks he's going to find the love of his life.

And, as for men who refuse to pay on first dates, I'm afraid I have to agree with most of the dating advice you've already read: It suggests a rigid, paranoid personality, and it would turn me right off.

He Said He Loved Her, and Then He Said He Didn't Know

2009-06-25T10:38:00.007-04:00

Dear Terry,

I need your suggestion and help. I love a guy I met through Internet.
In the beginning, I was not serious about him. He said he loved me. We are talking from around two months, and now sometimes he says he has never felt love, and then sometimes he says he loves me.

I'm having my exams after this week, and I am disturbed. I don't know what to do because I am serious about him. I haven't told anyone about this matter, so if you can help me, I will be very thankful.

- He Loves Me, Loves Me Not

Dear Loves Me-

First off, good luck with your exams. Concentrate on those exams!

Whenever a person tells you he loves you and soon after tells you he's never "felt love," it's time to reconsider his potential as a boyfriend. He's a sad character. He also could be a number of other things, including manipulative, wishy-washy, inconsiderate of others' feelings, or just plain lost.

You deserve better than this.

Furthermore, you mentioned that you weren't serious about him at first, but (if I'm reading this right) that you fell for him after he told you he loved you. A lot of us do this; a man tells us he loves us, and we look for reasons to return his affection because -- who knows? -- he might be our last chance.

But, until this guy gets his act together, I'd walk away, focus on my exams and my future, read a few good books, and decide to enjoy life. Remember the Golden Rule: "Treat others as you would have them treat you." Ask yourself, "Would I tell a man I loved him, and then turn around and tell him I'd never 'felt' love before?"

If the answer is no, ask yourself why you are allowing an individual who won't afford you the same consideration to hold such power over you. Life is too short for this nonsense.

I'll say it again: You deserve better.

-Terry

Ditch the Padded Bra

2009-06-24T11:25:00.009-04:00

Dear Terry,

Thanks for the great blog, I admire it. I'm single woman, way far past the 'puberty' stage, and I've very small breasts, and I'm blessed with a beautiful face with great lips, and a slender figure (I eat a well balanced, healthy diet with meat--except red meat -- and vegetables).

I never minded having small breasts, (I'm size AA) until I faced many harsh comments from few guys saying - you don't have a trace of flesh anywhere on your body or that I'm the most handsome man they've seen!

Needless to say, these men made my heart bleed! And there was nothing I could say in return to them, as they were my so called 'friends' (not my dates).

Hearing these comments, started my struggle (and not really from having small breasts.) I didn't dare to date much or cut dates very quickly sometimes out of fear that I might get hurt from those men again too.

Even other girls used to call me 'flat' behind my back ! (I'd overhear them sometimes when they thought I was not around). They ripped my heart to pieces.

My real friends, hearing other girls, advised me to get some padded bras, so I don't need to listen to such nasty comments from anyone. I've been using them for years, they make me feel 'normal' by society's standards, and on a date, a man complimented me on my 'perfect figure,' so I felt bad that I was not perfect, and he perceives me to be so. And it was too awkward to tell him. Anyways before I could tell him, I knew he had a girlfriend (through another source) and was just wasting my time.

It took me lot of years to see how low these people are, (and the problem is them, not me ) to make a woman feel 'alien' for not having a perfect figure, and I had to read a lot to soar my confidence in all ways possible and realized, not all men like a woman just for her breasts! And I'm loved by my friends, guys and girls both for my persona!

I've been a very confident woman despite this,after the 'realization' dawned on me, and I don't take sub-standard behaviour from a man regardless of whatever, but then at the end of the day - I feel all the attention on my breasts when I try not to wear a padded bra and it's kind of embarassing to be looked like you're strange-as if you come from a different planet!

I hate to be looked at my chest for having a small one. So when I wear a padded bra and meet a man, I feel as if I'm faking my appearance, (I've good features and a glowing skin, so I hardly wear any make-up even and now I had to make a part of my body look fake?) and how I could let him know about my real figure, which I personally am not ashamed of,(no sleeping with guys until marriage = my church + heart's stance on sex), but hate the attention from people for being of a certain size.

How can I not wear the padded bra and still not feel odd in public, when I go on a date, or meet that gentleman ? How can I deal with it if I happen a meet a man with the padded bra ?

I only got a bunch of jerks as my boyfriendss, when they abuse me emotionally, and I try to break from them and protest, they'd say things about my body then. This of course, made me feel terrible. If there are men who respect a woman with a great personality like me, how am I not meeting them? What can I do to meet such men? (I'm against surgeries as I care for my health. I wouldn't at any cost give it as the price to just look 'perfect').

Your advice is greatly appreciated.I feel terribly confused and feel shy to discuss it with anyone.

-Attracting Jerks

Dear Attracting-

You wrote, "I felt bad that I was not perfect, and he perceives me to be so."

Yikes. Nobody is perfect, certainly not some clown who's dating you when he's already got a girlfriend.

And then you write, "...how low these people are, (and the problem is them, not me ) to make a woman feel 'alien' for not having a perfect figure...")

Yes, the problem is them, but if you've bought into the idea that you're alien if you don't have a perfect figure, the problem is also you. Nobody does have a perfect figure, by the way, and guess what? Even if a man or woman is the picture of physical perfection today, he or she may not be 10 years or even two months from now.

Life happens. Illness happens. Babies happen. Laziness happens. So, it really is who you are on the inside (and who a man is on the inside) that matters. Not money. Not looks. Not breasts.

With regard to emotionally abusive men: Why do you even bother? Why protest? Just stop returning calls and disappear. The same goes for these so-called 'friends' of yours, male or female, who find it necessary to comment on your body parts. Don't waste your breath on them. Just fade away.

If I were you, I'd stop wearing the padded bra, let those small breasts be exactly what they were made to be, and make the very most of wearing clothes that your fuller-figured sisters cannot wear. From your description, you're built like a model, so hold your head high and walk like one.

You say you have glowing skin, a beautiful figure, and a lovely face, so why are you concentrating on the one thing you perceive as a flaw? Why do you allow men who have the audacity to discuss this so-called flaw to infiltrate your airspace? (If a man commented any of my body parts, I'd dismiss him immediately. There's a red flag if I ever saw one.)

These women who talk about your flatness behind your back? They're not your friends. Did it ever occur to them they're jealous of you? And the men who make fun of your breasts when you try to break it off? Well, you've only confirmed their suspicions that they're not in your league, and they're lashing out. It's the oldest trick in the book.

By the way, have any of these men been physically perfect? Not a knobby knee, a hunched shoulder, a hairy back among them? Come on. None of us is physically perfect. Not George Clooney, not Angelina Jolie, not me, not you, not any of your 'friends,' either.

So, what do you have going for you besides your looks? Write a list. Bring it to mind whenever you're afraid that you don't have what it takes to attract a human being who will love you just as you are.

Where do you meet such a person? Through friends, through clubs or classes, through volunteer work. If you volunteer somewhere (a good friend of mine is going to New Orleans to help Hurricane Katrina victims with a group from her church), do it alone. Just make sure you're joining a safe and reputable organization. You're more likely to make new friends this way, and a new friend (male or female) may introduce you to the love of your life.

As a shy person, it helps to put yourself in places where you have to talk to people. If you bring a friend along, it's just too easy to talk to her and hide out from everyone else.

Surely, you've seen stories about people with genuine disabilities or deformities (we're not talking about small breasts here) who have attracted love and lasting relationships. You certainly have what it takes to do this.

Furthermore, one thing you must remember about breasts: Most of them sag after a while. They prohibit one from wearing certain clothes (the wrong cut turns the wearer into a sack of potatoes). You have been spared these problems.

Wear your small breasts proudly. Think of them as a blessing: A means of separating the worthy from the unworthy.

And remember, one of the most famous models of all time, Twiggy, had small breasts. They sure didn't hold her back from love, fame, or fortune.

Has Marriage Gone the Way of the Dinosaur?

2009-06-22T12:39:00.005-04:00

Sandra Tsing Loh thinks so and wrote an article for The Atlantic to explain why, providing an interesting counter to the piece the same magazine published last year, entitled, "Marry Him--The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough." (We discussed that one here.) Psychologist Gail Saltz weighs in during Meredith Vieira's interview with Loh (wished Today had opted to give us more of an interview and less of that lengthy lead-in, though).

What's your opinion? Is marriage dead?

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Guys Who Go On and On and On About Themselves

2009-06-19T12:09:00.005-04:00

Terry,

I'm a single girl in late 20's. I'm fairly good looking, intelligent, kind and caring, and have lots of self-respect.

When I date guys (via online dating sites), we usually talk over the phone for about a week or so, before we plan to meet up (due to distance concerns, etc.).

Also, it makes sense for me to know if we share anything in common to meet the guy on a real date (for eg: some guys make awful jokes even over the phone, mostly it sounds more disrespectful towards me or someone else than a joke! Or they talk ill about women in general, as in, "I think a man should be the one who makes decisions in relationships" etc ...or they behave weird, i.e. leave me three voice messages within 5-10 mins when the phone gets a weak signal).

Anyway, most of the guys I've dated, seem to talk too much about themselves, they ask nothing much about me after first 5,10 mins and then keep talking about themselves!

I suspect this is because, I ask them questions that make them talk about themselves in detail. But when I pause after they're finished, they don't ask anything about me, and still keep talking 'bout themselves! Because, I'm interested (in the guy), I'll say something about the topic they're saying, and it becomes all about what the guy's saying. Even if I pause later, he gets so engrossed talking about himself, he forgets he should also know about me.

Now this has happened with at least 15-16 guys that I had phone dates with. Somehow it turned out, they were not right to even meet, as they didn't match in other departments like kindness, consistency, or at least one shared interest etc. I got to know so much about the guy, as the guy spent most of the time talking about himself, so at the end, he's no idea about me, but I know an awful lot about him. It worked for me in some ways, that I could call it off, knowing what a creep he is, when he told stories about himself.

But, I feel tired on phone dates, listening to the guy forever. My friends tell me, I should take charge and also tell them about myself, as guys are not good at asking any questions (asking questions which make a girl talk about herself ).

I feel, asking things is a sign of interest, and may be they're only interested in themselves and narcissists.

But I doubt it, as they seem very disappointed when I call it off, even before the meeting ... and genuinely seem to like me, and always make that call at the time promised, and email me during the day. Some even insist on meeting, before I make a decision to move on that early. ( I always stick to my NO though. )

So, do I have to share things about myself without asking, or am I just attracting a bunch of narcissists?

I'm a little scared of commitment seeing these guys, and I know I wouldn't feel that way, when I meet that kind, intelligent, loyal, caring man. Am I doing something wrong? I'd like to know your views about where I went wrong, if that's the case.

-Sore Ear

Dear Sore Ear-

You're doing quite a bit right, feeling these people out before you agree to meet them. And no wonder they all seem to like you; everybody likes to be listened to, and since so few people are willing to be the listener, you come off like the ideal mate.

It's possible some of these guys are narcissists. It's possible that others are too nervous or too clueless to let you do some of the talking. You ask a question, they answer. They wait for your next question. You ask it, they answer. Some of them probably aren't even aware they're bad conversationalists because you're such a good one: You ask questions. You're interested in other people. You're a good listener.

Your friends are right, though. You need to interject. So, if you ask a guy what he likes best about his job, for example, let him answer. During that pause where you hope he'll ask you about your job, you say, "The great thing about my job is...."

If he listens, good. If he cuts you off, not good (you may indeed have a narcissist, or worse, a total bore on your hands). Once you find yourself slipping into that receptacle for information mode again, you can say (in a light and friendly way), "Hey, I've riddled you with enough questions. What would you like to know about me?"

I suspect you're somewhat shy about volunteering information about yourself. It really does feel better to be asked, to know that the other person actually cares. But you probably need to get out of your comfort zone on this one.

Interject! Volunteer! Speak up!

Did you really speak to a guy who said, "I think a man should be the one who makes decisions in relationships?"

Eek. I can't imagine that poor boy will get far in life!

What's the Deal With This Guy?

2009-06-15T14:02:00.007-04:00

Dear Terry,

I recently purchased and read your ebook and have been reading your emails for months - all good advice. I have a particular question to ask your advice on. I dated a guy (friend of a friend) a year ago - we only went out 4 or 5 times before he ended it saying he loved spending time with me but wasn't sure if there were "butterflies." I was sad b/c I really liked him and he is such a wonderful guy, but respected his decision and moved on.

A few weeks ago, we were at a friend's party and spent most of the night talking to each other... after the party the two of us went on for drinks at a bar until closing time. For the last three weeks he has been really keen to hang out - about twice a week he asks me out to a movie or dinner etc. which I think it is quite frequent for 'just friends' (and many male friends of mine agree, plus we both have fairly busy jobs and he has a lot of friends so twice a week seems a bit excessive, especially so 'all of a sudden'), plus he always sends an email the next day saying he 'had a great time with me' and makes plans to meet up soon.

I never ask him out or email him though I do agree to go out and respond warmly and positively to his emails etc. we always have a great time and stay up talking quite late... but so far no 'kiss' or movement towards something more than friends.

In general he is picky about who he dates (his friends say) and he has only dated me in the last three years (and even that was very brief, and he is a very eligible guy), so I think he is patient and doesn't like to rush into things or force things.

Two questions for you: 1. do you think (based on the limited knowledge you have) that he is interested and is just taking things slow given that he is a really nice guy and doesn't want to rush into something when we do have a history? 2. I try to follow all your advice in your book about visualizing etc - but now it is hard for me to do so without thinking of him... and I know you advice not to think of someone specific but really can't help it... he has all the qualities I am looking for and I am just generally really into him....what should I do?

Thank you for your advice - I can't believe I am emailing someone I don't know about this, but who knows - stranger things have happened and I really want this to work out so I am open to trying anything and everything.

-Baffled By His Behavior

Dear Baffled-

Thanks for the kind words.

Here's what sticks out from your message:

".... we always have a great time and stay up talking quite late... but so far no 'kiss' or movement towards something more than friends."

Now, this fellow is swallowing up two nights of your week, emailing you frequently, and generally helping himself to bigger than his fair share of your thoughts. You say his friends say he's picky, but I think you need to be picky, too, and not automatically hand over so much of your time to him.

I know you like him. I know you're crazy about him. I know it's difficult to say to someone you pine for, "Sorry, can't make it. I promised (insert name of fun, supportive friend here) I'd meet her after work for drinks."

But you have to do it.

You're right to be friendly and positive, but you're wrong to say yes to every invitation he issues when he hasn't kissed you or given you any indication of his feelings. You certainly don't want to fall head over heels for this guy and find out two weeks from now that he doesn't feel "butterflies," and have him tell you he's not to blame because he never led you on by getting physical.

It's possible he does like you. It's possible he wants to take things slow. It's also possible he's wasting your time. But it's not your problem to figure any of this out. It's not your responsibility to puzzle it out with his friends or yours.

In the future, take your time responding to his emails. When you do, be your usual pleasant, happy self. The next time he asks you out, be unavailable. (If he's interested in you, he will not be dissuaded from pursuing you because you made other plans.) Then be somewhat available but not always available. Let him understand that time with you is special.

I would agree to go out with him just once a week. If that doesn't increase his ardor, I'd think twice about seeing him at all.

You say it's difficult to visualize anybody else but him at this point (of course it is), so I suggest you suspend visualization for the time being. Concentrate on protecting your time and your heart.

If you haven't already, write a list of your very best qualities. Put down what you have to offer in black and white. Pull that list out of your pocket whenever you're tempted to see any guy only on his terms.

Also, I'll say it again: Get busy and keep busy. It's easier to say 'no' when you have other things to do. And when you're not with the guy, don't think about him. Don't talk about him. Keep your mind in the present, on the people who surround you.

I hope this helps.

Terry

Bad Blogger

2009-06-12T09:01:00.003-04:00

Maybe I should retitle this blog, "Dating Advice Weekly," since I haven't posted nearly as often as I should over the past couple of weeks.

Right now, I'm bogged down in several different projects and hope to soon resume writing almost daily, as advertised.

Your comments and questions are important to me, so please keep them coming.

Have a great weekend.

She Needs Him Like a Hole in the Head

2009-06-09T09:12:00.005-04:00

Dear Terry-

Would like your advice. Recently my dream man has broken it off after six months together. In the beginning, he treated me very well, but around a month or two later, he said he wasn't in love with me and started to treat me badly. He was very bad tempered with me.

I really love this man, but now he has no feelings at all for me, and he also has another object of his affection already. Is there any chance to make this man come back to me again? Do you have any techniques I could use?

Now he's avoiding me, doesn't call or message. But really miss him. The worst of it is we work together. So I have to see him. Is there any way to pull him back?

I really need your help.

-He Made Me Feel Things

Dear He Made You-

Let me get this straight: You want me to tell you how to get back with a man who treated you badly, who avoids you, and was "bad tempered" with you.

Sorry, but I won't do it.

You deserve better, and the only person who doesn't know that yet is you.

You think you miss this guy, but you don't. You said he treated you well in the beginning, and that's what you miss. You miss those feelings you got when you spent time with him at the start of your relationship, when he was kind and affectionate and good to you.

Think of this man as a faucet. At one point, the faucet delivered pure, sweet, wholesome, and nourishing water. Then something went wrong in the pipes, and the faucet started spewing rusty, poisonous, undrinkable water.

It's time to stop drinking from this faucet.

Of course it's difficult that you encounter this man at work every day, but here's what you do: You wave, smile, and keep walking. If you need to talk to him about business, keep the conversation strictly business. Get the information you need, smile, and walk away.

Do not let a disappointing relationship get in the way of your livelihood.

In the meantime, work on developing the self-regard that will help you attract a consistently loving man (not a guy who loves you one minute and not the next). I recommend the excellent book, You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. It can help you do it.

Should She Move On?

2009-06-03T09:38:00.009-04:00

Terry-

I love your column, and I need advice.

I'm 28, and widowed, with one child. It's been two years, and I've processed everything, and I think I'm in a good place emotionally.

I'm bright, and funny, and a good mom, but I'm not very attractive. Dating is incredibly scary for me.

I have been dating a boy for about three months. He's three years younger than me, and is very nice. He's cute, well educated, etc. We laugh a lot, and share quite a few values.

I think I might love him. He said he definitely has feelings for me, but that he can't call it love yet.

He is scared of falling in love with a single mom, he says, because it's much more commitment than he's planned on so soon. He says he's not ruling it out, he's just not there yet.

After three months, shouldn't he know? Should I chalk this up and move on?

One one hand, it's very likely that he's not ready for a commitment. On the other, he treats me well, and is nice to my kid, and has been extremely honest about where he is emotionally.

I can't tell if he's "into me" or not. He wants to meet my family, he spends time with my child and me, etc. But, at the same time, he's not introduced me to his family yet.

Is this a lost cause? If not, how long do I give it?

-Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Dear Should-

Thanks for writing and for the kind words. One thing sticks out above all else in your letter:

"...I'm not very attractive. Dating is incredibly scary for me."

I'm going to beg to differ here. You're a widow (please accept my very sincere condolences on the loss of your husband), so obviously you are attractive and lovable enough to have compelled a man to marry you. Furthermore, now you've attracted a man (or boy, as you describe him) who says he "definitely has feelings" for you.

You say you're smart and funny. Smart and funny trump looks in the attractiveness department. Have you ever noticed how a person can be magazine-cover perfect, but you don't feel any sort of pull? You're not intrigued. You're not attracted. And then another person comes along carrying a little extra weight around the middle, and maybe his hair goes haywire in damp weather, but he's funny and smart. And he just lights you up on so many different levels.

Same goes for men and you. I once had a beautiful friend who turned heads everywhere she went, but she didn't attract anyone for very long. She didn't have much of a personality.

Dating is scary for a lot of us (I can say this because I am a shy person who masquerades as a not-shy person). Please do not settle for less than you deserve because you fear you're not attractive enough to "do better" on the dating market.

Okay. Back to your boy...

Three months is not such a long time, and it's good that he's been honest with you about his reluctance to fall in love with a single mother. He's right; becoming a stepfather at 25, 26, or 27 years of age is daunting (hell, at age 47 it's daunting).

It's possible he'll get over this reluctance, but it's entirely possible he won't. I don't know that I would banish him, but I definitely would spend less time with him for my own protection as well as my child's (because every minute you spend with this guy, you and the child are becoming more attached to him). He doesn't know if he's going to stick around for the long haul, so you don't know if he's going to stick around for the long haul.

So please act accordingly: He doesn't get to meet your family. If you do decide to go out with him, leave the child with your family or with a good babysitter. At this point, he does not qualify for access to your entire life.

Also, if you aren't already doing it, this would be a good time to spend more time with friends or to make new friends with similar interests. Expand your social circle. If someone else comes along who's attracted to your intelligence and precious ability to make others laugh, by all means, date him. And introduce him to your child only after he's indicated he's not put off by the possibility of one day caring for that little person on a daily basis.

In other words, give your boy a chance to figure out what he wants to do. And, in the meantime, do exactly what you want to do.

And stop holding yourself back due to excuses about being unattractive and afraid of dating.

Terry

PODCAST: How to Shop for a Husand

2009-06-02T12:24:00.004-04:00

Check out my interview with Janice Lieberman, author of How to Shop for a Husband: A Consumer Guide to Getting a Great Buy on a Guy You can listen now or download it to your iPod.

It runs just under 15 minutes. Click here to listen.

When Syllables Collide (My Interview with 'How to Shop for a Husband' Author Janice Lieberman)

2009-05-28T13:37:00.012-04:00

The week has been a blur. I've been nervously working toward a goal.

And then this morning, I interviewed Janice Lieberman of The Today Show, who just published How to Shop for a Husband: A Consumer Guide to Getting a Great Buy on a Guy. It's one of the most hopeful and helpful books I've read on the subject. Seriously.

The interview should run on Single Women Rule tomorrow or Monday (forgive me for being inarticulate in our discussion; enthusiasm for Janice's book combined with a lack of sleep resulted in a collision of syllables).

If you're the first one to comment on the podcast (on Single Women Rule), you'll win a free copy of How to Shop for a Husband. If you'd rather not wait, you can snatch one up at your local independent bookstore (that's how I like to do it -- keep that small merchant in business!).

Or you can just order it from Amazon.

Does Marriage Have to Spell the End of Love and Romance

2009-05-22T16:06:00.004-04:00

Not if you ask Ronnie Ann Ryan, who recently spent her ninth wedding anniversary in an unconventional manner. While many couples like to celebrate anniversaries in restaurants, Ronnie wasn't into it this time. Her husband went along with her alternate plan, which left her mightily appreciative.

After the anniversary, she blogged:

I never look back at all the dating I did with regret. Some of it was fun, some of it was devastating, some of it was tolerable. And just once - I hit the jackpot."

If you're in Connecticut on May 28th (that's next Thursday), Ronnie is scheduled to discuss flirting, one of her all-time favorite subjects, in Milford. She says, "Flirting is good for your health. Single or married, leveraging feminine charm energizes you, makes you feel alive and desirable and increases your everyday joy."

MEET RONNIE:

Thursday, May 28th, from 7-8:30 pm

MakeupMakeup Studio
22 Broad Street, Milford on the green
(Behind Dunkin Donuts)

RSVP - 203-783-9096
The event is free but limited to 20.

Attracting the Best in Life

2009-05-20T11:16:00.005-04:00

Yesterday, I had the good fortune to interview Loren Slocum, author of Life Tuneups: Your Personal Plan to Find Balance, Discover Your Passion, and Step into Greatness, for a Single Women Rule podcast.

I enjoyed talking to Loren because we agree that feeling good about yourself, being true to yourself, and developing female friendships are keys to attracting the best things in life (which would include good men and fulfilling work).

I also liked her book because it contains quick, effective exercises that help you make little shifts that can really add up. And you're not going to bend yourself into knots doing them.

Loren’s currently a Life Mastery and Unleash the Power Within facilitator for the Anthony Robbins Companies, as well as the founder of Lobella International, a community devoted to helping women recharge and rediscover themselves. (Loren also mentors disadvantaged children and is active in Raising Malawi.)

You can listen to the podcast now or download it onto your iPod by clicking here.

Be the first one to leave a comment on it on Single Women Rule and get a free copy of Loren's book!

More About Dating and Cell Phones

2009-05-18T13:37:00.004-04:00

Hi, Terry:

I enjoy your column and have gained a lot of insight from it.

I went out on a fix-up date with a man two years ago. We were at a nice restaurant, and HIS cell phone went off 2 or 3 times and he left the table to answer it (at least he left the table)....He came back to the table to tell me it was a "friend" of his who was going through a rough time. I felt it was rude and unnecessary on a first date (I sensed it was the lady he had broken up with), but I gave him the benefit of the doubt.... some friends of mine dismissed it as "Oh, he was just trying to impress you....don't make a big thing of it"..... he ended up dumping me after a few more dates anyway, so I do think it's a telling sign that someone is just not "present."

BTW.... a few nights later, I was watching a sitcom and a guy was in a restaurant and gave the exact same spiel to his date about the "friend" going through a rough time. I wouldn't dream of even having my cell phone "on" for a first date unless I had children or a sick relative. I deserve better, even if it takes a lifetime to get it.

-Can Do Better

Hello, Can Do-

Thanks for writing and for the kind words.

You're right. You do deserve better, and I'm so glad you realize it. Your friends were wrong to tell you the jerk -- er -- I mean, guy was just trying to impress you and not to make a big deal of it. As if isn't completely icky that someone would use such a pathetic technique to get you to like him.

Cell phones and dates just don't mix. When the guy dumped you, he did you a favor. He has zero manners and is probably also a liar.

Good for you.

-Terry

Romance Thrives on Mystery and Anticipation

2009-05-14T11:44:00.005-04:00

Every day of the week, a new device comes on the market that promises to simplify life for us. For the most part, they're great. But they could also be killing your chances for love.

First, the obvious:

Men still complain that too many women whip out a device on a first date and monitor it all night long for calls and text messages.

A woman (or man, for that matter) who wants a second date shouldn't be checking a device, unless she has children, in which case she can tell the guy, "I've instructed my children (or babysitter) to contact me only in case of emergency. Otherwise, I promise not to let this thing distract me."

Second, the less obvious:

Too many women are mistaking a series of text messages for a relationship. A relationship is eye-to-eye. LOL and laughing out loud are two very different experiences.

Which would you prefer?

Laughing out loud in the presence of a funny, smart, cute man who thrills you? Or tapping out a string of characters to the same guy and finishing it off with "LOL?"

Two different experiences, indeed.

Women are texting too much. Too much texting = no mystery. How are you going to get a guy to think about you, dream about you, wonder where you are and what you're doing if you you're telling him all day long?

Remember, no mystery = no romance. If you want a guy to take you for granted, text your heart out.

Otherwise, limit texting for critical communication (you're running late, for example). Give him a reason to want to see you. If he tries to engage you in a lengthy text conversation, text back, "Sorry. Busy. Meet up sometime?"

You've put the ball in his court. You've let him know you have a life, but you're interested enough to meet him face-to-face. That way, you can gauge his interest, instead of having to wonder if he wants to be your boyfriend or just another text buddy.

Are Men Really From Mars? (Or Just This Guy?)

2009-05-12T08:17:00.004-04:00

Terry,

Men ARE from Mars!

In a nutshell..I am on one of those social utility sites (Mybook..lol)..have many friends from overseas and long distance in general...a lot are guys that I have never met, but enjoy the occasional email with. So, BOY, was I surprised to receive a very long email from one of them recently outlining why he couldn't be in a relationship with me (I would have thought that was obvious. The other side of the planet being a little too inconvenient) and going into great detail about his new love..and how he doesn't want to hurt my feelings...you get the idea.

This has given me the feeling that MEN certainly look at things differently from ME.

I showed no romantic interest in this guy at all. Just friendly emails..the same as I have written to my female friends who happen to live overseas.

What's this about Terry? Can you shed any light on this guy's behaviour?

Sian

Hey, Sian-

This has very little to do with you, and everything to do with him.

He mistook garden variety friendliness for romantic interest. Unfortunately, this happens all the time. A guy (or girl) is socially inept, and they misread signs. Or, a guy (or girl) thinks they're 'all that,' and they misread the signs.

And it doesn't take much for them to do it, either.

Here's an example: Some years ago, I ran into a female acquaintance who'd lost a considerable amount of weight. Instead of shouting something insensitive like, "WOW! YOU USED TO BE SO FAT. WHAT HAPPENED?," I remarked, "You look absolutely fabulous." And I smiled at the girl.

(You see, I used to struggle with my weight, too, and suffered the occasional moron who'd run up to me in a public place and bellow, "YOU USED TO BE TREMENDOUS! LOOK AT YOU! WHAT HAPPENED?" So I was thrilled for this individual.)

A few weeks later, a friend said to me, "Terry, there's a rumor going around that someone is gay, who is definitely not gay."

"Really? Who?" I asked.

"You'll never guess. It's so ridiculous."

"Tell me."

"Apparently, Lisa Jones (the girl who'd lost weight) is telling people you came on to her at the Harp & Mandolin a couple of weeks ago."

Of course I was angry, Sian, not because she'd called me gay but because she was presumptuous enough to assume that if I were gay I would be attracted to her.

For a long time, I stopped complimenting people for fear they'd 'take it the wrong way,' but this isn't fair. People want to be noticed, and they should be. We crave love and attention the way plants lean toward the sun.

So, don't worry about this guy and his overkill letter about his new love, and how he nobly and gallantly let you down easily. It was never about you, anyway.

Her Son Doesn't Want Her to Date

2009-05-08T08:49:00.003-04:00

Hi Terry,

I met a man on an online dating service. He emailed me to tell me that he is interested in speaking to me. He immediately gave me his number. I called him and we talked. He called me on Monday. We had a date set up for Thursday, and my son who is grown man sabotaged the whole date by calling him on the phone telling him not to call on this number.

The guy called me back and told me that he cannot make it Thursday and will call me next week. My son does not want me to date because he doesn't trust my judgement. My previous boyfriend was dysfunctional. I read your column and have learned a lot from your advice. What can I do about the above situation with my son?

Not Thrilled

Hello, Not Thrilled-

You're an adult, so you should be able to make your own decisions. However, you mention that your former boyfriend was "dysfunctional," and since this could mean any number of things, I don't know whether your son is controlling, or if he's truly justified in wanting to protect you.

You say your son doesn't trust your judgement. Have you tried asking him what it'll take to change that? If he's right about the ex-boyfriend (notice I said if), do you see now how you might have accepted unacceptable situations and behaviors? Are you willing not to accept such treatment again in the future?

Most of us have experienced dating a person who didn't treat us well, but it's critical to not to make a habit of falling for such people. In other words, heed the signs and get the hell out of there.

Let me ask you a question: Why do you want to date in the first place? What is your goal? Are you looking for that "friendship that has caught fire," as Ann Landers (I think it was she, although it may have been her sister, Dear Abby) used to say?

Or are you looking for a man to make you feel worthwhile?

If it's the friendship-on-fire, good for you. Date people who treat you with love, kindness, and respect. If it's the man to make you feel worthwhile, please know that nobody is ever going to make you feel worthwhile but you. Self-worth comes from you. Interestingly, when women feel good about themselves, they attract good men.

Now, it's entirely possible that your son is out of line. If he has a history of controlling behavior, it's time for you to set boundaries. He shouldn't be screening your calls.

If you choose to see this new man, please remember to meet him in a public place. Take your own transportation. Get to know him (keep your eyes and ears open) before you let him into your car, home, and life.

I hope this helps.

She Attracts Married Men

2009-05-06T11:58:00.005-04:00

Hi Terry,

Why is it I attract all the wrong men all the time? Why do I keep
attracting married men, who I don't want?

And all the single men aren't keepers....

Regards,
Magnet for the Married Man

Dear Magnet-

Sometimes we attract the wrong men because we're subconsciously afraid of attracting the right one. Attracting the right one offers the possibility of a committed relationship, and that scares the daylights out of a lot of us.

It used to scare the daylights out of me.

This may or may not apply to you, but more than one married man has told me that he suddenly became irresistible to single women once he started wearing a wedding ring. Married men can be perceived as mature, grounded, responsible, sexy, and -- oh, yeah -- off limits. And being off limits presents a compelling challenge for a lot of women. The fact that she will probably never trip over his underwear on on a daily basis appeals to her on subconscious level.

You mention that single men are not keepers. Okay, definitely many single men are not keepers. But single men with the attractive qualities of their married counterparts exist.

Which begs the question: How come you're not meeting them?

It's possible you are meeting them, but you're not attracted to them because, on some level, you don't want a relationship. It really helps to take out a pen right this minute and write the word 'MARRIAGE' on top of a piece of paper. Then, without censoring yourself, write down every single word or phrase that comes to mind.

You may be surprised what you find out. Some women find themselves with a list that looks like this:

-security
-smothering
-yelling
-cooking
-love
-happiness
-children
-loss of identity
-cheating
-divorce

And so on.

As you can see, some of the impressions are positive, and some of them are decidedly negative. But, once you find out what you fear about committed relationships, you can face those fears and turn them around. For instance, would you have to lose your identity if you got married? Can you think of examples of women who didn't? Is infidelity a factor in every marriage, or is that an idea you picked up from a tabloid headline while waiting to check out at the supermarket (I'm not making fun of you; media messages are insidious and powerful).

Once you face your fears, it's very possible you'll find yourself attracting -- and just as important --being attracted to available men.

Good luck.